Hella Golf

I've always been an antifan of golf. I could probably think of a million better things to watch than 85 year olds dressing like they lost a bet, bashing around a poor little dimpled ball with a club (ok when described like that it sounds pretty damn amusing). The problem with golf is that its so damn conservative and snooty--and boring. perhaps thats why so many upperclass Americans enjoy it...

However, it is a good thing to watch when you wanna make fun of some suckas plaid shorts, don't want to wear your eyes out following around a bunch of men scurrying up and down a court, or if you just need something to lull you to bed. Yesterday after school, I kinda wanted to do all 3.

As I'm watching the golfers waltz up and down the green and semi dozing off, my roommate (probably the most hellacollege person I know) comes down stairs, and we begin poking fun at how old they are. I then go on a rant about how I think golf is completely boring and lame. He surprises me with his response:

Roommate:"yeah but I love that shit."

Me:"you love this shit?"

R:"yeah, I like to play but not to watch"

M:"hmm...that's weird."

R:"but I didn't look like that when I was out there."

M:"No?"

R: "I used to have dubees and 40's when I hit the green."

M: "what?"

R: Yeah man! whats better than getting out of school on a sunny day, and teeing off with a dubee?"

Guess I couldn't challenge his logic.

you know, revolutionizing golf wouldn't be a bad thought--my roomate is a pioneer! his style of play could attract millions of younger viewers and angry mothers! this would be a reinvention of golf! Hell, if they started getting faded during the PGA tour, I wouldn't miss a second of it! This gave me an idea of how I would hellacollege baptize professional golf...

If hellacollege ran the PGA...

1) The goddamn scoring system would make more sense. none of that negitive is positive shit, none of those birdies, eagles, doves, geese and any other nicknames they have.

2) Caddies would have at least a C cup.

3) Intoxication of some sort would be recommended.

4) Steroids would be mandatory.

5) Instead of a green jacket, the winner would recieve a fine bag of green and a pair of nikes.

6) I'm tired of the big green country club bullshit, lets take it to the skreetz! golf would be played in the New York City projects; imagine how much more valuable it would be to get a hole in one--while Deshawn is shooting his pistol at you.

7) Instead of FOUR!! everyone would yell out MOVE BITCH!!!!

8) Dress code wouldn't be enforced.

9) Games would not be cancelled or delayed due to bad weather.

10) And most importantly, it would be come a full contact sport.

Although these changes will NEVER happen (they're a little dangerous...and illegal), I still dream of the day where I'd hit the course and ask my big breasted caddy what should I use in this situation and she replies:

"a 9 iron and a dimesack."

Hellacollege.