Fraud

So tonight at midnight I turn 21 years old. The last milestone birthday thats not depressing, or it's not supposed ot be...

I've been planning a trip to Las Vegas for 6 months now. Tonight I'm supposed to drive up to Portland and hit the bars with some of my closest, then tomorrow, I'm scheduled to jump on a plan and end up in Sin City by 2PM. Everyone keeps telling me I'll have the time of my life.

EFF my Life though. I went to the bank today to deposit a $250 dollar check for deejaying a sorrority function. I get my recipt back, and there's only $90 in my account. WTF? I check my account activity and an just thrilled to discover my identiy has been stolen! YES! Hundreds of dollars spent at some flippin 7-11 in Hollywood. I call the fraud hotline and spend over an hour on hold, finally get through, and they tell me to make a claim I have to update my address since its time sensitive mail or something. Various phone calls later, I end up with the money still gone, my account is frozen, and all I have are the 10 dollars in my pocket.

Viva Las Vegas
Happy Birthday to me

Hella Triflin'ass fraud jerk, please stop buying slurpees and swishers and calling cards with my money.

Swell-bow Baggins

So today at lunch we somehow got on the subject of naming injuries.

Last year someone turned on all the sinks in the bathroom, effectiverly taking all the water pressure out of my shower. Angry and soapy, I bolted out of the shower to get revenge on the hygene thief. Before the culprit could get out of the bathroom, I put all my might into a superman tackle. As a flew through the air, the pressure burgler put his arms up and pushed back to avoid being assaulted by a very naked, very wet, very pissed off me. The rest of the fall seemed to be in slow motion as I keeled backward and fell, elbow first, onto the herringbone bathroom tile.

Long story short, I finished my shower and noticed an odd, balloon-ish type swelling thing going on in my elbow area. It ended up equivalent to a tennis-ball sized water grenade hanging from my right arm. After a few days of evolution, we ended up referring to my injury as the infamous "Swell-bow Baggins". One exploded elbow-sack to rule them all.

Yall have any good injuries you've named?

What your drink says about you...

So over the past couple years of college, I started noticing that what people drink says a whole lot about them. Check it:

Coors Light- Your dad drinks coors, its what you started sneaking from the fridge in high-school, and your parents pay for college.

Keystone Light- Your dad drinks coors, its what you started sneaking from the fridge in high-school. You're paying for college with loans and a crappy job

Pabst Blue Ribbon- You're either from the northwest, new jersey, you're a hipster, or you're underage and gave 10 bucks to someone who identifys as any of the previous groups.

Olde English 800- You're from the suburbs but you listen to NWA, you've probably made 3 or 4 joke rap songs. You drank PBR, but it wasn't as ironic as Brass Monkey

Random Microbrew- You're nervous in social situations and think having a unique beer is a good way for people to notice you and start a conversation about how "hoppy" the aftertaste is.

Busch Light- "You eat what you drink" -R. Lake (directed at freshman girls)

Captain Morgan- You have an older brother who has a DUI

Barbarosa- You can't afford Captain Morgan

HRD- You generally punch 3 holes in drywall every time you party

HRD (Popov works too) poured into an empty Skyy Bottle- Your name is Joey Beach and you're trying to impress freshmen ladies. 

So its getting late and I have some Red Stripe to drink (what does that say?). Hope midterms went well for yall.

PS comment and leave some of your own gross generalizations about drinks and people! 

Stay triflin' yall

Hella College

PPS. Here's a song you might like...

You're Hella College If...

With the creation of this blog, many have asked, "what does it mean to be hella college?" We at hella college found it very important to formally pronounce just what our sick and sadly unoccupied minds mean when we say that you are hella college, or that you just performed an act that is hella college.

Before I begin to define this term and it's orgins, I find it important (and slightly humorus) to tell you what, contrary to belief, it isn't.

Hella college is NOT:

Getting over a 4.0 gpa: that's just being too productive--what are you, a student?

Having a "social" drink: that just doesn't make sense. here at hella college, we drink to make excused social mistakes--like that amazon woman that you sadly admitted to enjoying, that ear drum busting karaoke experience, that beer you dumped on that cute-yet-amazingly-sleazy-freshman girl, or even that time you cussed out the house christian--for shits and giggles.

Studying: That's for well prepared people--SO unhella college.

Clean jokes: LAME.

PG-13 comedies: We just turned 18! we want to celebrate our newly acquired right to view the poetic licenses of like-minded innocent perverts! if it doesn't involve a crude breast joke, a poorly misplaced nice ass, or a plot line that depends on drinking the most beer, I'm going to laugh at it.

Honestly taking a test: ....enough said

Anything that involves, or relates to, the terms: punctual, responsible, safe, wise, healthy, planned, on-time, controlled, neat, integritive or cucumbers.

If it's productive and not ironic, it's usually not hella college.

"But m. professor-of-hella-collegeology! what is hella college?" you might ask, "and what does it mean to be not just college--but hella college?"

Well, student of hella collegism, The term hella college was coined by myself and comrades when we noticed several brilliantly stupid events, that can only be witnessed in a college environment. We decided, subconsciously, that we wanted to craft a phrase that captures the irony of a situation within the term itself: combining Hella ( meaning"of vast abundance" in idiot language), and college (being the land of "great minds and higher learning"), shows the clear and intentional, internal juxposition.

Hella college is being stupid in a wise way, or wise in a stupid way.

Here, I've conjured a few demostrations of being hella college here to clarify, and to put in action, the definition I just crafted...

You are hella college, or are in the act of being hella college if:

• you eat mac n' cheese...from the same pot you cooked it in.

• when you tell your parents that you're a buisness major, that's code for, "I have no clue what the hell I want to do."

• you have more top ramen packets than realistic aspirations.

• you can live a whole month--off of 25 dollars worth of food.

• you actively manage your beer budget.

• have 18 credits--and 12 of them are P.E classes.

• You took that 6 A.M yoga class not for the great strech or relaxation, but because you heard the instructor had a nice, tight set of buns that you'd love to see in the "downward dog"

• dissolving a multi-vitamin tablet into a bowl of chilli is your version of a well balenced meal.

• Both your mom--and your favorite porn star--are in your Myspace top 8.

• Your pedantic nature, combined with your vivacious immaturity, can turn the topic of favorite comic book charater, into a formal debate with guest speakers, opening and closing statements, and impractcal statistics that your useless mind retains...

"superman is fair superior to wolverine on the basis that he represented, metaporically, the era of economic prosperity, social identity crisis, and Roosevelts welfare reform, while wolverine, according to 90 percent of the population, is considered to be, "a rude and crude punk."

• Your next meal is dependent upon the next dumb bet you make: "I'll bet you five dollars that lloyd will say something about his girlfriend when he gives his speech."

• You go to Disneyland on your birthday for the free admission...but forget to bring money for rides; so you spend your birthday in Disneyland taking pictures with Mickey Mouse, and shining your laser pen on peoples faces.

• Healthy study habits of yours include "weapons of mass distraction" (study with that sorority girl with the huge breasts) "operation academic watergate" (bum off of your friends notes) and, in the case that you actually need to be, or at least seem to be knowledgeable for a test, you break out the ultimate tool: "operation I-dont-have-A.D.D-but-I'm-gonna-pop-hella-Adderall and-study-till-my-ass-chaps."

• And lastly, you're hella college if you place the terms hella, triflin', Samuel L. Jackson, Unforgivable and RUUUUBIEZ into the most cherished vaults of your vocabulary.

These, ladies and gentlemen, are the essentials of living the "hella college" lifestyle. We uphold these demonstrations as exerpts from the lives of every "hella collage" being of our nation. Our 4 values: thriftyness, fibbing, exaggerating and psuedo-intellect, drive us into a future of underemployment, economic struggle, and continual resume' reform. We believe in Hella College as a shrine of sarcasm and intellecual irony--sadly, we are your future.

Now that you know what it means to be Hella College, feel free to add in your own "You're hella college if lists"(ex: you're hella college if your computer's soul function is porn sites and google searches) via comments...good contributions will be added to a later blog on "what readers think it means to be hella college."

Oh yeah...I almost forgot...HELLA COLLEGE!

College Cuisine Part 2

I just got home from the library. One of my roomates asked me "Yo did you eat dinner yet"

Nah man I had a late lunch with my sister in the dorms. I think Im just gonna hit up safeway and get some popcorn and sourpatch kids and something to drink

"Holluhhh im down!"

We're watching Jurassic Park in an hour, our 11th Samuel L. Jackson movie this turn.

Hella College

The Student Special

College cuisine finds many forms: Old pizza (reference our first post), ramen noodles, writing letters to senators for free spaghetti, and forgetting food to buy beer.... One of the staples of college cuisine has always been the fast food value menu. As it turned out, 2008 was a great year for college students; value menus at fast food restaurants got on their game. Taco bell came out with its 79, 89, 99 cent menu, Subway's $5 footlong got even mightier, Del came out with Dan's deal, and Wendy's added some cheep favorites. One of my favorite cheap fulls though is the local McDonalds student special.

I never really liked McDonalds. It made me feel sluggish, sickly, and greasy. Then college came, and those words become synonymous with full, so I decided to revaluate my relationship with America's burger joint. A friend introduced me to the Student Special: 2 cheeseburgers, a small, fry, and a small drink for 2.99. Make sure to ask for Mac-sauce, and thats not a bad full for under 3 bucks.

Anyway, the other day I ended up at McDonalds with 3 other buddies. We were hungry and broke, so we rolled through campus ended up in a fairly empty dining room about 9 o'clock at night. One buddy and I both ordered specials, while the other two split a 2 Quarter-pounder combo and assed a McChicken each to compensate for the split. When we all got our food we aruged through handfulls of fries who got more burg for their buck. After a few comments like, "bro the mac sauce makes it so much more filling", and "no man the QP has the lettuce and tomato definately has the edge for just a bit more money" we were interrupted by a young woman in the back corner of the dining room.

"Im homeless, and you guys sound just like homeless people"

She went on to explain how she'd been married 3 times and had a couple miscarriages, but she didn't feel so bad about being homeless after listening to us bicker about nickels and frys. One of my friends even tried to get in a debt battle with the young woman, student loans vs. divorce and medical bills. He lost the battle, but we all came out a little impressed and a little depressed at how heated we'd gotten over a couple dimes and a cheeseburger.

Happy Eating college folk, let me kow if there's any good deals I don't know about yet.

Hella Thrifty, Hella College

Aural Skillz

So I'm pretty sure most college students share in a very specific Sunday afternoon ritual. This is how it goes

4:00 PM- Start homework

4:07 PM- Check facebook

4:12 PM- Go complain about the homework you've been working on all afternoon

Yesterday this ritual was special though, we had a new guy move into our house. He's a music major, and about 5:15 he comes into my room where a few guys are sitting around.

"God, this aural skills class is killing me"

Whaddyah mean? What are you working on?

"I have to listen to music, then right it down"

Out of the cuts, another buddy decides to chime in, "Shit man what are you complaining about? Just lyrics.com that shit! You're complaining? I got French and shit to worry about"

Aural skills is listening to music and writing down the notes not the lyrics. Way to go.

Hella College

Guilty Pleasures No More

Ever since I've came to college, I've noticed that a lot of the guilty little fetishes in our loosely educated minds are shared. You know--that sappy ass track on your iTunes, that Disney movie you just bought, that Backstreet Boys song you sing every morning in the shower...ok, maybe not that one--but a lot of the little quirks that you'd be ashamed of in high school, are cool here--which makes sense in a school full of liberal-hearted-recycle nazi-hippies...

I reveled in the greatness of this newfound truth on (what seemed at first to be) a typical Saturday night. It was me, my "bros" (flex nuts), and a vast assortment of chicks with various intoxication levels.

We were up to the same ol' saturday night shinanigans: dancing and drinking while my buddy was DJing, until after several threats, noise complaints, and a cheese only calzone split between 4 of us (wtf?), we realized that it was awfully late and time to mellow down.

movie time--and the great debate began!

"I wanna watch this!" "I wanna watch that!" "oh we should watch this!" We were getting nowhere.

Then one guy, drunk as hell, finally convinced me to put in some triflin' ass dry humor flick--but after all his hard work persuading, threatening, and ignoring counter arguments, he made the foolish mistake of leaving to get something to eat while the dvd was still on the title menu.

We talked to eachother in his absense, and realized how tight it would be to watch Blue Planet--a high definition animal love fest with a mancrushable British narrator. The choice was unanimous, and while he was gone warming up a cup of noodles, we changed the movie from his choice, to ours.

Shortly after this, he arrived and was furious.

"I won't forget this injustice." he sternly yet sloppily stated (as though he just lost a major surpreme court case--on mushrooms) and began bitterly eating his cup of noodles.

Despite his drunken anger, we began the optical sex scandal known as Blue Planet, and let me tell you, if you haven't enjoyed one of these videos, you aren't alive: elagant coloring, unreal animals, indepth descriptions, crisp camera angles, beauteous scenery(you can make checks payable to Tyree Harris, Animal Planet).

I was stunned that the whole room had this passion. I'd never share this in high school, nor would I imagine it being pleasurable to enjoy with a large crowd. This was borderline revolutionary--I can share this with people and not be ashamed!

(...thats what he said.)

So we spent the rest of the night in love and sharing our deep and hidden crush on animal shows--well, all except for drunk ass, who stormed of to bed early, leaving a watering hole of noodleless chicken broth behind.

Hella College.