Always Smooth

So cheap beer is a beast all its own. The taste: anywhere from watery to bitter, tangy to tainted. Cheap beer comes in all shapes, sizes, packages, and shelf-lives. Some try to position their product as dirt cheap and plain, while others try to pass off as the cheaper version of nice beers. Some are filling, some have horrible aftertastes, some are actually pretty good. Probably the reason we at hellacollege love cheap beer so much is because its what we've been drinking since we got the nerves to ask the random dude outside rite-aid to get us some booze in high school.

I will say for one, the reason love cheap beer is NOT because the marketing. Yesterday I got a 30-bomb (rack, case, boat, what have you) of Keystone light and i noticed something weird about the case insert. It's part of a marketing campaign called, "Always Smooth" They put a slogan in the middle of the case explaining a sort of unsmooth situation. It then says, "Key Light, always smooth. Even when you're not". At first we laughed...

"Bagged a six-point buck. (With your bumper)." Oh haha yeah reeeealll smooth.

Wait... is that talking about driving in the alcohol box?

It took me 10 beers to be able to pull this out of the box. Kinda like the toy half way through the cereal. Are they describing a drunken driving mishap involving some beautiful wildlife? Whatttt the effffff. This is messed up. I looked further into the campaign online and found some more slogans.

SHE CALLED YOU AT HOME (YOUR MOTHER ANSWERED)

If that isn't encouraging underage drinking I don't know what is.

GOT OUT OF A TICKET (BY CRYING)

Being a drunk emotional asshole getting out of a DUI. Way to go key light

GOT TO WORK EARLY (ON A HOLIDAY)

Real alcoholics here. Drunk at work.

HELD OPEN THE DOOR (INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC)

At least this douche bag never made it into traffic. If he's that drunk imagine what damage he could have done with his Chevy Silverado.

THE RESULTS CAME BACK NEGATIVE (ON YOUR DRIVING EXAM)

Now thats just dumb. Underage drinking and drunk driving.

MET A GIRL ONLINE (HE'S THIRTY-SEVEN)

Hella homophobic and heteronormative and ish. WTF. This also implies the reader is drinking at home, alone, scouring the internet. CMON!

WENT HUNTING (BAGGED A DECOY)

Now guns and alcohol have to be the worst idea ever.

Anyway. I like cheap beer. I drink key light, but come on. This has to be the worst campaign ever for a beer company. Seems funny at first. Definitely is not. Stop encouraging underage, alcoholic, irresponsible beer. Start positioning your product as the beer thats cheap as dirt, gets ya drunk, and goes down well for binge drinking games. I'll be graduating in a year with a marketing degree. Feel free to hire me.

Hella College.

Lazy Bloggers

So Tyree and I have been horrible bloggers lately. I've even pretty lazy on tweeting, the diet zero carb grandchild of blogging. Its not that our lives havn't been hellacollege, or that we don't love yall, its just that Spring Term is a beautiful siren of a beast. We're constantly lured into the pollen-allergy-sun-burning-homework-ignoring "great outdoors" by the foreign sun we havn't seen for 6 months. You know you're procrastinating when you put off what you usually spend time procrastinating with.

What I'm trying to say is i'm sorry. Instead of spending time blogging, we've been playing frisbee, tanning on the roof (though no color to show for it), and drinking "hard" slurpees. We've been half-assed tweeting because softball games and 1$ microbrews are just too hard to pass up.

Anyway, I have 45 minutes till my next class, and I'm gonna go outside. Who knows how long this will last up here in Oregon. HOWEVER. Don't fall off the face of the earth, lots of exciting things in the works. Watch out for the hellacollege cam snapping pictures and hellacollegeTV's debut in a few weeks. In the meantime, enjoy that sun, but for pete's sake go to class. If you stare out the window long enough, the professor will let class out early.

Much Love,

hellacollege

Hella Golf

I've always been an antifan of golf. I could probably think of a million better things to watch than 85 year olds dressing like they lost a bet, bashing around a poor little dimpled ball with a club (ok when described like that it sounds pretty damn amusing). The problem with golf is that its so damn conservative and snooty--and boring. perhaps thats why so many upperclass Americans enjoy it...

However, it is a good thing to watch when you wanna make fun of some suckas plaid shorts, don't want to wear your eyes out following around a bunch of men scurrying up and down a court, or if you just need something to lull you to bed. Yesterday after school, I kinda wanted to do all 3.

As I'm watching the golfers waltz up and down the green and semi dozing off, my roommate (probably the most hellacollege person I know) comes down stairs, and we begin poking fun at how old they are. I then go on a rant about how I think golf is completely boring and lame. He surprises me with his response:

Roommate:"yeah but I love that shit."

Me:"you love this shit?"

R:"yeah, I like to play but not to watch"

M:"hmm...that's weird."

R:"but I didn't look like that when I was out there."

M:"No?"

R: "I used to have dubees and 40's when I hit the green."

M: "what?"

R: Yeah man! whats better than getting out of school on a sunny day, and teeing off with a dubee?"

Guess I couldn't challenge his logic.

you know, revolutionizing golf wouldn't be a bad thought--my roomate is a pioneer! his style of play could attract millions of younger viewers and angry mothers! this would be a reinvention of golf! Hell, if they started getting faded during the PGA tour, I wouldn't miss a second of it! This gave me an idea of how I would hellacollege baptize professional golf...

If hellacollege ran the PGA...

1) The goddamn scoring system would make more sense. none of that negitive is positive shit, none of those birdies, eagles, doves, geese and any other nicknames they have.

2) Caddies would have at least a C cup.

3) Intoxication of some sort would be recommended.

4) Steroids would be mandatory.

5) Instead of a green jacket, the winner would recieve a fine bag of green and a pair of nikes.

6) I'm tired of the big green country club bullshit, lets take it to the skreetz! golf would be played in the New York City projects; imagine how much more valuable it would be to get a hole in one--while Deshawn is shooting his pistol at you.

7) Instead of FOUR!! everyone would yell out MOVE BITCH!!!!

8) Dress code wouldn't be enforced.

9) Games would not be cancelled or delayed due to bad weather.

10) And most importantly, it would be come a full contact sport.

Although these changes will NEVER happen (they're a little dangerous...and illegal), I still dream of the day where I'd hit the course and ask my big breasted caddy what should I use in this situation and she replies:

"a 9 iron and a dimesack."

Hellacollege.

Marco! Polo!

So its spring term now. That means the weekend starts on tuesday. Last night I was minding my own business, doing some business statistics in my second-floor room when I heard some yelling outside. 

MARCO! Polo! MARCO! Polo! MARCO! POLO! MARCO! POLO!

It took me a second to figure to figure out what was happening, but two groups of drunk ass girls were using an instinctual hellacollege skill to locate their friends. 

Everyone remembers the old pool game of marco polo. The game where all the big kids swim around taunting you while you flap around the deep end of the pool barely keeping your head above the water. The worst part was even when you tried to cheat by opening your eyes, the chlorine stung your eyes. At the end of the day, the cheaters always needed some clear eyes. 

I think the old Venetian explorer who traveled the Silk road to trade in china would be proud to know that his years of master trade, authorship, and mingling with Kubali Khan have been reduced to letting your friends know which apartment the beer pong table is in 

Hellacollege ladies! Way to go. 

Great uses for financial aid...

While most people spent their spring break blacking out at Disneyland, Mines consisted of working for money toward my spring term books, right here in the wonderfully lame Euge. I picked up about 30 hours at the friendly neighboorhood Slaveway, and spent my scarce free-time playing video games (thank god for X-box live).

Boy, what a wonderful freshman spring break.

Go ahead: rub it in my face in with that trip to Italy, that drive to California, that beach exploration, or whatever "fun" you had...I'll be happy to let you know I mastered the art of close range combat and trash-talking on Halo 3. But despite all the gamer achievements and new online friends, this was probably my worst week in college thus far.

In every clam, there is a pearl however, and though I wasn't expecting it from this week of lameness, a wee bit of a hellacollege moment was born. After all, being the hellacollege-magnet that I am, had to run into something worthy of posting...

it's a wednesday evening. I'm working the checkstand, checking out all the regular crackheads, republican hippies, and drunk ass underagers with fake I.Ds. These two college girls then walk up to my checkstand with a 24 pack of Miller, so I begin some petty conversation with them, and the topic of finacial aid refund checks comes up.

In case you don't know, a Financial aid refund is money left over after a students financial aid disperse pays for tuition...most kids use that money to pay for books, rent, credit cards fees, or other responsibilities--

--at least I thought.

After the girls make their purchase, I ask them when the aid checks come back and one replies,

"I think they come on the 27th. they need to get here sooner though, this 24-pack ain't gonna last that long."

Way to use our wonderful tax dollars. A booze grant.

So then I thought to myself: While these bastards are waiting for the state to supply them with their "get fucked-up fund," I'm working six days this week, sleeping about four hours a night, stuck in a town with no friends, and sacrficing quality family time for 3 bitch-ass overpriced books!

but I wasn't bitter about it....

I laugh, nod my head and continue on to the next person in line--a crackhead with six Snickers.

Hellacollege.

What's the worst way you've spent your Financial aid money? Or for those who have their parents pay, whats the dumbest thing you've used your parents money on?