The story I am about to tell you is the Mecca of Hellacollege. This is the apotheosis of what we do. I am not kidding. If you haven't read anything here now's the time to. We officially encountered the most triflin' event of this year.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we do this blog for.
So it is yet another useless Saturday night (a sad trend indeed...we could be filling out scholarships and getting ahead in classes with all that free time...Ok I'll stop bullshitting.). My fratdick pals and I are at a friends house, playing beerpong, watching hockey on mute, and bumping some 90's tracks.
To add on to the hellacollegeness of our situation, we had two distinctly triflin' ass asian friends with the same names (DTD's you know who they are) passed out due to outlandish inebriation--one passed out on the couch, Old English and orange juice his conquerer, the other facing defeat in a computer chair with his hand in a pack of Chex Mix--still chewing in his sleep.
It was one of those nights where my hellacollege spideysenses were tingling. I just had this premonition that something blog worthy was coming.
It then began.
A group of people walked by outside, and things aparently took a turn for the worst...
"WHAT THE FUCK! BITCH WHAT YOU WANNA DO? I WILL FUCK YOU UP!"
We all looked in the window to see saw an antwar-like conglomeration of people in the middle of the sidewalk outside, in a huddle of drunken anger.
like 6th grade girls, we scurried to the front door for an upclose view of the drama.
The first thing I noticed when I got outside, was the pissed off soccer dad neighboor trying to be a bad ass from the safety of his lawn screaming at the kids, "CHILL THE FUCK OUT!! CALM THE FUCK DOWN!!"
The mob of chaos was standing around two guys in what I call the circle of I'm-so-tough-I-don't-need-to-fight-you-so-I'll-intimidate-you-by-aggressively-rubbing-my-shoulder-on-yours.
It looked like yet another drunken dispute.
Now in college, A fight is typically a clash of the egos; a crowd inspired slugfest with little recollection of causation--you just know the other guy did something to piss you off and he deserves an ass whopping.
But this was much different. This was personal.
As we continue to watch the drama unfold, (still no punches thrown) a dude walks up to our porch and says "you guys wanna know whats goin' on?" and begins to give us some context to this dilemma.
apparently, the guys up the street were having a little party when these assholes showed up that nowbody knew. Being the chill hosts they were, they were more than happy to accomidate to them even though they gave off an awkward vibe. Unfortunately this was a mistake, as the unknown guests went to the kitchen and stole a prized possesion--a bag of Captain Crunch.
The cereal thieves then tried to slip out of the party unnoticed, but a mob of people from the party chased after them in hot persuit.
So what we were watching was a near fist fight confrontation--over a bag of captain crunch.
***I will never be able to say that sentence again.***
Shortly after the guy told us the story, the conflict resolved with no punches thrown. The thieves were forced to apprehend their stolen possesions, and the angry mob was able to walk back with their goal accomplished, and their Captain Crunch in hand. We cheered them on like the winners of a boxing match, and they waived their bag of sugary sweetness in the air like the heavyweight title.
It was a special moment for them.
We got back inside and laughed our asses off for several moments...then there was a knock.
???
We skeptically walked to the door in a group and opened it. A pair of dashingly cantakerous black men, with du-rags and mean mugs to match, sized us up and sternly asked,
"whodaheadadahouse?" (who is the head of the house? in white language)
They thought we were the ones causing the problems and, for reasons unknown, it appeared they were ready to brawl.
these brothas wasn't playin'
We clarified the situation and told them everything that happended and before they could even leave the porch, we broke in unanimous laughter!
But that night made me think...
reflecting back to the case of the Captain Crunch Theives, I initially thought that the people were just drunk and overreacting. But after critically thinking, I was proud that they defended their rights to a good breakfast.
How dare those scandalous punks attempt to strip other college students of their most important meal? Don't they know that the only thing worse than a cereal stealer is a cereal killer? (and not by a longshot.)
I mean put it like this: studies show that a student who eats before class is more attentive, and a kid who eats a good meal before a test will get a higher score; thus, it can be logically assumed, that stealing their breakfast was not only a violation of their right to a meal, but it was also the attempted theft of their academic success.
Its times like these that I appreciate the 2nd amendment.
If a mothafucka tries to take my cereal, I'll bust a cap in his ass! I'll kick him in his balls! I'll eat is children! I'll throw his morbidly obese mama down the stairs! I'll--ok you get the sarcasm.
Bro, its just cereal. It's not your grandmothers urn or your pet dog...
If any of you guys who committed this act of cereal hyperbolization happen to come across this blog, I want to thank you for an amazing and idiotic evening. I hope you enjoyed that hard earned bowl of cereal the next morning, and I hope you all get some rational thinking counsoling.
For crying out loud, you guys were ready to brawl over some cereal.
But, as idiotic and irrational as it may seem, I suppose there is a moral of this story--
Dude, don't fuck with the Captain.
HELLAQUESTION: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF A MOTHAFUCKA STOLE YO' FAVORITE CEREAL?
--HellaCollege--
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Hella Cuisine Pt. 3
If you've been reading hellacollege, its probably pretty apparent that food is a huge part of college life. College students are like guinea pigs*. We're never sure where the next meal is going to come from, so we make it last. Sometimes, we eat until we puke (via the last post), sometimes we sacrifice our values for some grub (writing letters to some senator to some free spaghetti or signing up for a credit card for free potato salad), but we are always scheming to turn our pennies into pizza.
I'll just cut to the chase. College kids do funny things to protect their food. Today I opened my fridge to grab a delicious rockstar energy draaaankk and there was a cheez-it box.
Weird place for some cheez-its
I opened up the box and there's 4 pieces of pizza in it. I couldn't help it. WTF HELLACOLLEGEEEE.
I asked my roommate and here's the train of thought. Awesome coupon. HUGE Pizza. SMALL price. My roomie (luv u) buys the big ass pizza. He eats his fill and wants to make some more meals out of it. He writes his name on the pizza, and writes the number of slices on it as a sort of security deterrence, and sticks it in the common fridge. WATCH OUT... I can count. So next day, 2 slices gone, he's pissed. He eats another piece and decided he needs to step up his game. This box is too big for the mini fridge. HMMM. Cheez-it box. He pulls out the bag, stuffs the pizza and throws it in the fridge.
Seemed like a great idea until, seriously 2 minutes ago, he picked up the naked cheez-it bag upside down and the snack ended up all over the floor.
Anywho, way to be. Gotta be smart. Hella cuisine.
-Hellcollege
*miss u J-LO. My roommate and I used to have a guinea pig named Jennifer Lopez. She died of gluttony.
I'll just cut to the chase. College kids do funny things to protect their food. Today I opened my fridge to grab a delicious rockstar energy draaaankk and there was a cheez-it box.
Weird place for some cheez-its
I opened up the box and there's 4 pieces of pizza in it. I couldn't help it. WTF HELLACOLLEGEEEE.
I asked my roommate and here's the train of thought. Awesome coupon. HUGE Pizza. SMALL price. My roomie (luv u) buys the big ass pizza. He eats his fill and wants to make some more meals out of it. He writes his name on the pizza, and writes the number of slices on it as a sort of security deterrence, and sticks it in the common fridge. WATCH OUT... I can count. So next day, 2 slices gone, he's pissed. He eats another piece and decided he needs to step up his game. This box is too big for the mini fridge. HMMM. Cheez-it box. He pulls out the bag, stuffs the pizza and throws it in the fridge.
Seemed like a great idea until, seriously 2 minutes ago, he picked up the naked cheez-it bag upside down and the snack ended up all over the floor.
Anywho, way to be. Gotta be smart. Hella cuisine.
-Hellcollege
*miss u J-LO. My roommate and I used to have a guinea pig named Jennifer Lopez. She died of gluttony.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
What Goes Down, Must Come Up.
A birthday for a college student is typically an excuse to have yet another "raging" house party--The only difference between a college birthday party and other parties, is that instead of having a bunch of guests you don't know come over to party; it's a bunch of guests you don't know coming over to party--for a birthday that they don't even know exsists.
So when my birthday came along on April 25, I decided that instead of celebrating a personal holiday with a bunch of strangers who wouldn't appreciate the value of it, I would just spend it with the guys, go out to eat, and hang out.
After me and my co-blogger hit a baseball game,we met up with a couple of the boys to figure out what we would eat. We were hungry; and we didn't want any pizza, dorm food, chinese, frat meals, salads, or hot pockets...we wanted something with some soul--and there is only one place in this triflin' ass city to get yo' soul on...Papa's soul food.
Ahh Papa's....the Eugene/Springflield area's flavorful blast from the "souf". I had never been there or had its food, but everybody in town told me it was "incredible..."
Now, bluntly put, I am from a black family where my grandma whips up yams, greens, mac and cheese like a pro; I know how it's supposed to taste. So when I had a bunch of white college kids, who probably grew up off of pasta and chicken nuggets, tell me that the CORNbread (for the last time people, it's pronounced CONEbread--the "R" is silent) is "wonderful" or the yams were "spectacular....it made me a bit skeptical to say the least.
I mean, how could I not have been? I had people telling me the food is "wonderful," "incredible," and "superb"--any brotha who eats soulfood professionally, knows damn well that those big ass words aint supposed to be coming to mind when you thinkin' 'bout catfish nuggets, ribs, and 'tato salad! Why you think black people describe soul food as "bomb" "the shit" or "hella good?" It's because it tastes so great, that you ain't got time to think of sensible adjectives when you attempt to explain it. The fact that proper english was used to describe their food made me uncomfortable...
But I figured it wouldn't kill me to try it, so the six of us loaded into the truck, and headed to Papa's Soulfood Kitchen.
15 minutes later we arrived...and my skeptisim rose. It was surrounded by redneck mobiles and trailer trash apartments. They said it was southern...but is it the blues and saxaphones type of southern? Or the banjo's and confederate flag type of southern? But before I tasted the food or even saw the menu my every skeptisism was cleared...
I saw old school tables with plaid tablecloths, old school show posters of many blues legends, and, most importantly, a picture of the owner...who was fat as hell!
[Sidenote: If the owner of a soul food restaurant is morbidly obese, most likely, their restaurant is the shit. The fatter the owner, the more "firsthand" experience he has with taste and the more irresistable his restaurants food is.]
I was officially excited to eat there.
We sat down, and the waiter brought us the menu, which was so innovative I cant really describe it, and offered us drinks...sweet tea or Kool-Aid.
Could it get any better?
I ordered pork ribs, yams, mac and cheese and purple Kool-Aid.
In summary, it was the shit. It was bomb. It was hella good.
We ordered boxes, made jokes about how Papa is black taxing us all because it was so damn expensive, and left.
As we got in the car, my co-blogger had stated how he felt like he was gonna throw up from eating so much. We all laughed it off, but as soon as we hit the parking lot of the house, he hopped out of the truck and hurled up one of the most epic and lengthy vomits of all time.
He didn't have enough soul for soul food.
just as I was making fun of him, for throwing up, I realized that I had to throw up too!
So there I was: on my knees and vomiting my eyes out, like many other people do on their birthday....except I didn't have a lick of alcohol.
What the hell happened? I understand one person throwing up from a meal--but two? Did we pick up the Swine Flu from the pork ribs?
Nah. We were just fat asses.
We came to the conclusion that we over ate. Him and I got so adapt to hella college cuisine, that when it came to good food--the type of meals that had entrees AND side dishes--our bellies panicked and didn't know how to react. We're pretty upset that we didnt get to digest all those fats, empty calories, carbs and oils that we call soul food. we would have loved to get that much closer to obesity and heart failure.
But we look on the brightside...not only was Papa's good going down, but, we can both attest, it was just as good coming up.
We got two meals for the price of one...whats more thrifty than that?
Hellacollege.
So when my birthday came along on April 25, I decided that instead of celebrating a personal holiday with a bunch of strangers who wouldn't appreciate the value of it, I would just spend it with the guys, go out to eat, and hang out.
After me and my co-blogger hit a baseball game,we met up with a couple of the boys to figure out what we would eat. We were hungry; and we didn't want any pizza, dorm food, chinese, frat meals, salads, or hot pockets...we wanted something with some soul--and there is only one place in this triflin' ass city to get yo' soul on...Papa's soul food.
Ahh Papa's....the Eugene/Springflield area's flavorful blast from the "souf". I had never been there or had its food, but everybody in town told me it was "incredible..."
Now, bluntly put, I am from a black family where my grandma whips up yams, greens, mac and cheese like a pro; I know how it's supposed to taste. So when I had a bunch of white college kids, who probably grew up off of pasta and chicken nuggets, tell me that the CORNbread (for the last time people, it's pronounced CONEbread--the "R" is silent) is "wonderful" or the yams were "spectacular....it made me a bit skeptical to say the least.
I mean, how could I not have been? I had people telling me the food is "wonderful," "incredible," and "superb"--any brotha who eats soulfood professionally, knows damn well that those big ass words aint supposed to be coming to mind when you thinkin' 'bout catfish nuggets, ribs, and 'tato salad! Why you think black people describe soul food as "bomb" "the shit" or "hella good?" It's because it tastes so great, that you ain't got time to think of sensible adjectives when you attempt to explain it. The fact that proper english was used to describe their food made me uncomfortable...
But I figured it wouldn't kill me to try it, so the six of us loaded into the truck, and headed to Papa's Soulfood Kitchen.
15 minutes later we arrived...and my skeptisim rose. It was surrounded by redneck mobiles and trailer trash apartments. They said it was southern...but is it the blues and saxaphones type of southern? Or the banjo's and confederate flag type of southern? But before I tasted the food or even saw the menu my every skeptisism was cleared...
I saw old school tables with plaid tablecloths, old school show posters of many blues legends, and, most importantly, a picture of the owner...who was fat as hell!
[Sidenote: If the owner of a soul food restaurant is morbidly obese, most likely, their restaurant is the shit. The fatter the owner, the more "firsthand" experience he has with taste and the more irresistable his restaurants food is.]
I was officially excited to eat there.
We sat down, and the waiter brought us the menu, which was so innovative I cant really describe it, and offered us drinks...sweet tea or Kool-Aid.
Could it get any better?
I ordered pork ribs, yams, mac and cheese and purple Kool-Aid.
In summary, it was the shit. It was bomb. It was hella good.
We ordered boxes, made jokes about how Papa is black taxing us all because it was so damn expensive, and left.
As we got in the car, my co-blogger had stated how he felt like he was gonna throw up from eating so much. We all laughed it off, but as soon as we hit the parking lot of the house, he hopped out of the truck and hurled up one of the most epic and lengthy vomits of all time.
He didn't have enough soul for soul food.
just as I was making fun of him, for throwing up, I realized that I had to throw up too!
So there I was: on my knees and vomiting my eyes out, like many other people do on their birthday....except I didn't have a lick of alcohol.
What the hell happened? I understand one person throwing up from a meal--but two? Did we pick up the Swine Flu from the pork ribs?
Nah. We were just fat asses.
We came to the conclusion that we over ate. Him and I got so adapt to hella college cuisine, that when it came to good food--the type of meals that had entrees AND side dishes--our bellies panicked and didn't know how to react. We're pretty upset that we didnt get to digest all those fats, empty calories, carbs and oils that we call soul food. we would have loved to get that much closer to obesity and heart failure.
But we look on the brightside...not only was Papa's good going down, but, we can both attest, it was just as good coming up.
We got two meals for the price of one...whats more thrifty than that?
Hellacollege.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Always Smooth
So cheap beer is a beast all its own. The taste: anywhere from watery to bitter, tangy to tainted. Cheap beer comes in all shapes, sizes, packages, and shelf-lives. Some try to position their product as dirt cheap and plain, while others try to pass off as the cheaper version of nice beers. Some are filling, some have horrible aftertastes, some are actually pretty good. Probably the reason we at hellacollege love cheap beer so much is because its what we've been drinking since we got the nerves to ask the random dude outside rite-aid to get us some booze in high school.
I will say for one, the reason love cheap beer is NOT because the marketing. Yesterday I got a 30-bomb (rack, case, boat, what have you) of Keystone light and i noticed something weird about the case insert. It's part of a marketing campaign called, "Always Smooth" They put a slogan in the middle of the case explaining a sort of unsmooth situation. It then says, "Key Light, always smooth. Even when you're not". At first we laughed...
"Bagged a six-point buck. (With your bumper)." Oh haha yeah reeeealll smooth.
Wait... is that talking about driving in the alcohol box?
It took me 10 beers to be able to pull this out of the box. Kinda like the toy half way through the cereal. Are they describing a drunken driving mishap involving some beautiful wildlife? Whatttt the effffff. This is messed up. I looked further into the campaign online and found some more slogans.
SHE CALLED YOU AT HOME (YOUR MOTHER ANSWERED)
If that isn't encouraging underage drinking I don't know what is.
GOT OUT OF A TICKET (BY CRYING)
Being a drunk emotional asshole getting out of a DUI. Way to go key light
GOT TO WORK EARLY (ON A HOLIDAY)
Real alcoholics here. Drunk at work.
HELD OPEN THE DOOR (INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC)
At least this douche bag never made it into traffic. If he's that drunk imagine what damage he could have done with his Chevy Silverado.
THE RESULTS CAME BACK NEGATIVE (ON YOUR DRIVING EXAM)
Now thats just dumb. Underage drinking and drunk driving.
MET A GIRL ONLINE (HE'S THIRTY-SEVEN)
Hella homophobic and heteronormative and ish. WTF. This also implies the reader is drinking at home, alone, scouring the internet. CMON!
WENT HUNTING (BAGGED A DECOY)
Now guns and alcohol have to be the worst idea ever.
Anyway. I like cheap beer. I drink key light, but come on. This has to be the worst campaign ever for a beer company. Seems funny at first. Definitely is not. Stop encouraging underage, alcoholic, irresponsible beer. Start positioning your product as the beer thats cheap as dirt, gets ya drunk, and goes down well for binge drinking games. I'll be graduating in a year with a marketing degree. Feel free to hire me.
Hella College.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Lazy Bloggers
So Tyree and I have been horrible bloggers lately. I've even pretty lazy on tweeting, the diet zero carb grandchild of blogging. Its not that our lives havn't been hellacollege, or that we don't love yall, its just that Spring Term is a beautiful siren of a beast. We're constantly lured into the pollen-allergy-sun-burning-homework-ignoring "great outdoors" by the foreign sun we havn't seen for 6 months. You know you're procrastinating when you put off what you usually spend time procrastinating with.
What I'm trying to say is i'm sorry. Instead of spending time blogging, we've been playing frisbee, tanning on the roof (though no color to show for it), and drinking "hard" slurpees. We've been half-assed tweeting because softball games and 1$ microbrews are just too hard to pass up.
Anyway, I have 45 minutes till my next class, and I'm gonna go outside. Who knows how long this will last up here in Oregon. HOWEVER. Don't fall off the face of the earth, lots of exciting things in the works. Watch out for the hellacollege cam snapping pictures and hellacollegeTV's debut in a few weeks. In the meantime, enjoy that sun, but for pete's sake go to class. If you stare out the window long enough, the professor will let class out early.
Much Love,
hellacollege
What I'm trying to say is i'm sorry. Instead of spending time blogging, we've been playing frisbee, tanning on the roof (though no color to show for it), and drinking "hard" slurpees. We've been half-assed tweeting because softball games and 1$ microbrews are just too hard to pass up.
Anyway, I have 45 minutes till my next class, and I'm gonna go outside. Who knows how long this will last up here in Oregon. HOWEVER. Don't fall off the face of the earth, lots of exciting things in the works. Watch out for the hellacollege cam snapping pictures and hellacollegeTV's debut in a few weeks. In the meantime, enjoy that sun, but for pete's sake go to class. If you stare out the window long enough, the professor will let class out early.
Much Love,
hellacollege
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Hella Golf
I've always been an antifan of golf. I could probably think of a million better things to watch than 85 year olds dressing like they lost a bet, bashing around a poor little dimpled ball with a club (ok when described like that it sounds pretty damn amusing). The problem with golf is that its so damn conservative and snooty--and boring. perhaps thats why so many upperclass Americans enjoy it...
However, it is a good thing to watch when you wanna make fun of some suckas plaid shorts, don't want to wear your eyes out following around a bunch of men scurrying up and down a court, or if you just need something to lull you to bed. Yesterday after school, I kinda wanted to do all 3.
As I'm watching the golfers waltz up and down the green and semi dozing off, my roommate (probably the most hellacollege person I know) comes down stairs, and we begin poking fun at how old they are. I then go on a rant about how I think golf is completely boring and lame. He surprises me with his response:
Roommate:"yeah but I love that shit."
Me:"you love this shit?"
R:"yeah, I like to play but not to watch"
M:"hmm...that's weird."
R:"but I didn't look like that when I was out there."
M:"No?"
R: "I used to have dubees and 40's when I hit the green."
M: "what?"
R: Yeah man! whats better than getting out of school on a sunny day, and teeing off with a dubee?"
Guess I couldn't challenge his logic.
you know, revolutionizing golf wouldn't be a bad thought--my roomate is a pioneer! his style of play could attract millions of younger viewers and angry mothers! this would be a reinvention of golf! Hell, if they started getting faded during the PGA tour, I wouldn't miss a second of it! This gave me an idea of how I would hellacollege baptize professional golf...
If hellacollege ran the PGA...
1) The goddamn scoring system would make more sense. none of that negitive is positive shit, none of those birdies, eagles, doves, geese and any other nicknames they have.
2) Caddies would have at least a C cup.
3) Intoxication of some sort would be recommended.
4) Steroids would be mandatory.
5) Instead of a green jacket, the winner would recieve a fine bag of green and a pair of nikes.
6) I'm tired of the big green country club bullshit, lets take it to the skreetz! golf would be played in the New York City projects; imagine how much more valuable it would be to get a hole in one--while Deshawn is shooting his pistol at you.
7) Instead of FOUR!! everyone would yell out MOVE BITCH!!!!
8) Dress code wouldn't be enforced.
9) Games would not be cancelled or delayed due to bad weather.
10) And most importantly, it would be come a full contact sport.
Although these changes will NEVER happen (they're a little dangerous...and illegal), I still dream of the day where I'd hit the course and ask my big breasted caddy what should I use in this situation and she replies:
"a 9 iron and a dimesack."
Hellacollege.
However, it is a good thing to watch when you wanna make fun of some suckas plaid shorts, don't want to wear your eyes out following around a bunch of men scurrying up and down a court, or if you just need something to lull you to bed. Yesterday after school, I kinda wanted to do all 3.
As I'm watching the golfers waltz up and down the green and semi dozing off, my roommate (probably the most hellacollege person I know) comes down stairs, and we begin poking fun at how old they are. I then go on a rant about how I think golf is completely boring and lame. He surprises me with his response:
Roommate:"yeah but I love that shit."
Me:"you love this shit?"
R:"yeah, I like to play but not to watch"
M:"hmm...that's weird."
R:"but I didn't look like that when I was out there."
M:"No?"
R: "I used to have dubees and 40's when I hit the green."
M: "what?"
R: Yeah man! whats better than getting out of school on a sunny day, and teeing off with a dubee?"
Guess I couldn't challenge his logic.
you know, revolutionizing golf wouldn't be a bad thought--my roomate is a pioneer! his style of play could attract millions of younger viewers and angry mothers! this would be a reinvention of golf! Hell, if they started getting faded during the PGA tour, I wouldn't miss a second of it! This gave me an idea of how I would hellacollege baptize professional golf...
If hellacollege ran the PGA...
1) The goddamn scoring system would make more sense. none of that negitive is positive shit, none of those birdies, eagles, doves, geese and any other nicknames they have.
2) Caddies would have at least a C cup.
3) Intoxication of some sort would be recommended.
4) Steroids would be mandatory.
5) Instead of a green jacket, the winner would recieve a fine bag of green and a pair of nikes.
6) I'm tired of the big green country club bullshit, lets take it to the skreetz! golf would be played in the New York City projects; imagine how much more valuable it would be to get a hole in one--while Deshawn is shooting his pistol at you.
7) Instead of FOUR!! everyone would yell out MOVE BITCH!!!!
8) Dress code wouldn't be enforced.
9) Games would not be cancelled or delayed due to bad weather.
10) And most importantly, it would be come a full contact sport.
Although these changes will NEVER happen (they're a little dangerous...and illegal), I still dream of the day where I'd hit the course and ask my big breasted caddy what should I use in this situation and she replies:
"a 9 iron and a dimesack."
Hellacollege.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Marco! Polo!
So its spring term now. That means the weekend starts on tuesday. Last night I was minding my own business, doing some business statistics in my second-floor room when I heard some yelling outside.
MARCO! Polo! MARCO! Polo! MARCO! POLO! MARCO! POLO!
It took me a second to figure to figure out what was happening, but two groups of drunk ass girls were using an instinctual hellacollege skill to locate their friends.
Everyone remembers the old pool game of marco polo. The game where all the big kids swim around taunting you while you flap around the deep end of the pool barely keeping your head above the water. The worst part was even when you tried to cheat by opening your eyes, the chlorine stung your eyes. At the end of the day, the cheaters always needed some clear eyes.
I think the old Venetian explorer who traveled the Silk road to trade in china would be proud to know that his years of master trade, authorship, and mingling with Kubali Khan have been reduced to letting your friends know which apartment the beer pong table is in
Hellacollege ladies! Way to go.
Great uses for financial aid...
While most people spent their spring break blacking out at Disneyland, Mines consisted of working for money toward my spring term books, right here in the wonderfully lame Euge. I picked up about 30 hours at the friendly neighboorhood Slaveway, and spent my scarce free-time playing video games (thank god for X-box live).
Boy, what a wonderful freshman spring break.
Go ahead: rub it in my face in with that trip to Italy, that drive to California, that beach exploration, or whatever "fun" you had...I'll be happy to let you know I mastered the art of close range combat and trash-talking on Halo 3. But despite all the gamer achievements and new online friends, this was probably my worst week in college thus far.
In every clam, there is a pearl however, and though I wasn't expecting it from this week of lameness, a wee bit of a hellacollege moment was born. After all, being the hellacollege-magnet that I am, had to run into something worthy of posting...
it's a wednesday evening. I'm working the checkstand, checking out all the regular crackheads, republican hippies, and drunk ass underagers with fake I.Ds. These two college girls then walk up to my checkstand with a 24 pack of Miller, so I begin some petty conversation with them, and the topic of finacial aid refund checks comes up.
In case you don't know, a Financial aid refund is money left over after a students financial aid disperse pays for tuition...most kids use that money to pay for books, rent, credit cards fees, or other responsibilities--
--at least I thought.
After the girls make their purchase, I ask them when the aid checks come back and one replies,
"I think they come on the 27th. they need to get here sooner though, this 24-pack ain't gonna last that long."
Way to use our wonderful tax dollars. A booze grant.
So then I thought to myself: While these bastards are waiting for the state to supply them with their "get fucked-up fund," I'm working six days this week, sleeping about four hours a night, stuck in a town with no friends, and sacrficing quality family time for 3 bitch-ass overpriced books!
but I wasn't bitter about it....
I laugh, nod my head and continue on to the next person in line--a crackhead with six Snickers.
Hellacollege.
What's the worst way you've spent your Financial aid money? Or for those who have their parents pay, whats the dumbest thing you've used your parents money on?
Boy, what a wonderful freshman spring break.
Go ahead: rub it in my face in with that trip to Italy, that drive to California, that beach exploration, or whatever "fun" you had...I'll be happy to let you know I mastered the art of close range combat and trash-talking on Halo 3. But despite all the gamer achievements and new online friends, this was probably my worst week in college thus far.
In every clam, there is a pearl however, and though I wasn't expecting it from this week of lameness, a wee bit of a hellacollege moment was born. After all, being the hellacollege-magnet that I am, had to run into something worthy of posting...
it's a wednesday evening. I'm working the checkstand, checking out all the regular crackheads, republican hippies, and drunk ass underagers with fake I.Ds. These two college girls then walk up to my checkstand with a 24 pack of Miller, so I begin some petty conversation with them, and the topic of finacial aid refund checks comes up.
In case you don't know, a Financial aid refund is money left over after a students financial aid disperse pays for tuition...most kids use that money to pay for books, rent, credit cards fees, or other responsibilities--
--at least I thought.
After the girls make their purchase, I ask them when the aid checks come back and one replies,
"I think they come on the 27th. they need to get here sooner though, this 24-pack ain't gonna last that long."
Way to use our wonderful tax dollars. A booze grant.
So then I thought to myself: While these bastards are waiting for the state to supply them with their "get fucked-up fund," I'm working six days this week, sleeping about four hours a night, stuck in a town with no friends, and sacrficing quality family time for 3 bitch-ass overpriced books!
but I wasn't bitter about it....
I laugh, nod my head and continue on to the next person in line--a crackhead with six Snickers.
Hellacollege.
What's the worst way you've spent your Financial aid money? Or for those who have their parents pay, whats the dumbest thing you've used your parents money on?
Monday, March 23, 2009
Spring Break- Amended
So its Monday morning and I've been in the library for an hour... before even having my first class yet. That means the glorious span of time that is spring break is over, and the even more glorious time that is spring term has begun. Its not quite sunny, but its not raining, so I'm rocking my number 99 dodgers shirt.
Reflecting on Spring Break, I know my crew of cohorts made more of the 7 glorious days than any year previous. We conquered beaches like the allied troops at Normandy, we drunkenly overused catch phrases, we all gained at least 7 pounds, and best of all, we saw everything at Disneyland twice.
We drove over 40 hours. We got pink eye, scraped knees, hangovers, and Joey struck out. We drank over a gallon of PoPov and Dirty Bird, tore through cases of keystone light, and even managed to get some faderade into Disneyland. As luck would have it, turnaround passes helped us cut hours of lines at disneyland, and one kid even got a haircut in a salon that had 20 women in their underwear. Epic for sure. One for the books. See you next year spring break...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So its the beginning of spring break for us at hellacollege. Spring Break is a very important time for college students. No matter what, you MUST mix 4 of 5 elements to have a successful spring break. If you get them all you achieve spring break nirvana
VIDEO REMOVED
Reflecting on Spring Break, I know my crew of cohorts made more of the 7 glorious days than any year previous. We conquered beaches like the allied troops at Normandy, we drunkenly overused catch phrases, we all gained at least 7 pounds, and best of all, we saw everything at Disneyland twice.
We drove over 40 hours. We got pink eye, scraped knees, hangovers, and Joey struck out. We drank over a gallon of PoPov and Dirty Bird, tore through cases of keystone light, and even managed to get some faderade into Disneyland. As luck would have it, turnaround passes helped us cut hours of lines at disneyland, and one kid even got a haircut in a salon that had 20 women in their underwear. Epic for sure. One for the books. See you next year spring break...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So its the beginning of spring break for us at hellacollege. Spring Break is a very important time for college students. No matter what, you MUST mix 4 of 5 elements to have a successful spring break. If you get them all you achieve spring break nirvana
1. A drive that is way too long
2. You must contract a disease
3. Cheap booze > Expensive booze
4. Getting in somewhere you definitely don't belong
5. Disneyland &/or a foreign country. Disneyland is preferred
So its officially day 2 of spring break for us. We have the first 3 down and we're chasing legendary spring break status. Here's a little video shout out of half of the hellacollege crew. Hit us on twitter for updates on our SB.
P.S. What are yall doin for break?
Sunday, March 15, 2009
My Hella College Survival List
Today, after my 3rd pack of Top Ramen, I've realized that there are several things that make life that much more livable...no not something as simple (and whimpy) as friends, love and family, but rather, a list of activities, inventions, and products that make life oh so sweet. this is my hella college survival list.
1)The lovely folks at WALMART greet me with a 65-year-old worker with no health insurance, exploit hundreds of thousands of foreign workers, undercut millions of small buisnesses, and provide me with ketchup one dollar cheaper than the national average!! yay wal-mart!!!
2)In the event that mixing all that damn butter and milk and powder into boiling noodles becomes too tedious a task for your lazy ass, EASY MAC offers to cut this 7 minute process down one minute! thats right! you can now stop slaving over that steaming pot of noodles and pay more money for one testicle sized cup of convienence!
3)After you realize that your 5 foot 3 167 lb frame isn't quite fit for D-1 athletics, life may feel meaningless. But wait! you can still live out the days of being the best kid on your block in 3rd grade with INTRUMURAL SPORTS! Who knows, maybe the football coaches will be scouting at your championship game...I've heard the team really needs a solid waterboy for next season.
4)On the topic of athletics and fitness, who doesn't owe losing their freshman 15 to a semi-fasting diet and the REACREATION CENTER?
5)Tired of doing homework non-stop? want something to distract you from that 2 page take home final due in 20 minutes? Do you like stalking on moderately attractive women that you have no chance of hooking up with--without any legal action? Then look no further than FACEBOOK!
6)Ahh the MICROWAVE: making me sacrifice good quality meals for unevenly heated grubble.
7)When you really need a good pair of gloves or headphones, but dont want to pay for them, hit the LOST and FOUND and say you lost some...one man's misplacement is another man's theft.
8)When all those 17 year old girls you're persuading to come to your college to be your weekend flings start calling too much about all their boy problems, drama, and hobbies, what's more usefull than the OFF BUTTON ON YOUR PHONE? "sorry Stacy...my phone died last night..."
9)Nothing brings you back to those good old days better than A BOWL OF FRUIT LOOPS AND CARTOONS ON SATURDAY MORNING. Dont forget the one piece pajamas.
10)And lastly, MUSIC...but not just any music, but the kind that makes women pregnant without intercourse. I'm talking the isley brothers, , Marvin Gaye, Al Green, Earth Wind and Fire, R.kelly (before the piss incident), Musiq Soulchild...and even some Coldplay
So tell me you hella college bastards, what's on your survival list?
1)The lovely folks at WALMART greet me with a 65-year-old worker with no health insurance, exploit hundreds of thousands of foreign workers, undercut millions of small buisnesses, and provide me with ketchup one dollar cheaper than the national average!! yay wal-mart!!!
2)In the event that mixing all that damn butter and milk and powder into boiling noodles becomes too tedious a task for your lazy ass, EASY MAC offers to cut this 7 minute process down one minute! thats right! you can now stop slaving over that steaming pot of noodles and pay more money for one testicle sized cup of convienence!
3)After you realize that your 5 foot 3 167 lb frame isn't quite fit for D-1 athletics, life may feel meaningless. But wait! you can still live out the days of being the best kid on your block in 3rd grade with INTRUMURAL SPORTS! Who knows, maybe the football coaches will be scouting at your championship game...I've heard the team really needs a solid waterboy for next season.
4)On the topic of athletics and fitness, who doesn't owe losing their freshman 15 to a semi-fasting diet and the REACREATION CENTER?
5)Tired of doing homework non-stop? want something to distract you from that 2 page take home final due in 20 minutes? Do you like stalking on moderately attractive women that you have no chance of hooking up with--without any legal action? Then look no further than FACEBOOK!
6)Ahh the MICROWAVE: making me sacrifice good quality meals for unevenly heated grubble.
7)When you really need a good pair of gloves or headphones, but dont want to pay for them, hit the LOST and FOUND and say you lost some...one man's misplacement is another man's theft.
8)When all those 17 year old girls you're persuading to come to your college to be your weekend flings start calling too much about all their boy problems, drama, and hobbies, what's more usefull than the OFF BUTTON ON YOUR PHONE? "sorry Stacy...my phone died last night..."
9)Nothing brings you back to those good old days better than A BOWL OF FRUIT LOOPS AND CARTOONS ON SATURDAY MORNING. Dont forget the one piece pajamas.
10)And lastly, MUSIC...but not just any music, but the kind that makes women pregnant without intercourse. I'm talking the isley brothers, , Marvin Gaye, Al Green, Earth Wind and Fire, R.kelly (before the piss incident), Musiq Soulchild...and even some Coldplay
So tell me you hella college bastards, what's on your survival list?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Test-lag
So I've been thinking a lot lately about what a lot of us college students experience right around midterms and finals. Jet-setters get jet-lag. Test-takes get test-lag. Check it:
I had a pretty epic accounting assignment to tackle that was due yesterday at 2PM. So, in hellacollege fashion, I got the the library around 11PM, got wired on caffiene, and busted out the assignment until about 5 o'clock. I left the library, got a quick bite, and turned the assignment into my professor's office, and went to bed. I woke up about 4PM. I went to my 6-9 PM class, grabbed a bite with some of my classmates, fumbled around a little bit, and got into bed around 11:30 PM. Alarm goes off at 2:30 AM and I'm at the library by 3. Here it is 4AM, I've been studying for an hour, and I have 6 hours till my Marketing final.
Now I looked on wikipedia, which as far as I'm concerned is the authority on everything (they monitor that ish, I trust 'em) and they describe jet lag as follows...
"When traveling across a number of time zones, the body clock will be out of sync with the destination time, as it experiences daylight and darkness contrary to the rhythms to which it has grown accustomed: the body's natural pattern is upset, as the rhythms that dictate times for eating, sleeping, hormone regulation and body temperature variations no longer correspond to the environment..."
Well test lag as I've discovered is when the body clock is out of sync with the college student's normal environment. We wake when its dark, and sleep when its light. I feel like a flippin' vampire. I'm eating breakfast at 2AM and dinner at 11PM. I'm just excited for 6PM today when I can pass out until it's time to go celebrate a week well-fought. Maybe I'll have ice cream or something. Probably or something (Pabst).
Anyway, when describing how screwed up you cramming and sleeping schedules are, describe what time zone your in. For example, "bro, I'm test-lagging Hong Kong right now", or "Man that Rockstar-Latte coctail got me all the way to Kiev with my cram sesh lash night". Make sense?
Hope finals are going well for are you quarter-system friends and exams are going well around spring break for everyone else. Let me know what time zone you're test lagging
Hella Test-Lag
Hellacollege
I had a pretty epic accounting assignment to tackle that was due yesterday at 2PM. So, in hellacollege fashion, I got the the library around 11PM, got wired on caffiene, and busted out the assignment until about 5 o'clock. I left the library, got a quick bite, and turned the assignment into my professor's office, and went to bed. I woke up about 4PM. I went to my 6-9 PM class, grabbed a bite with some of my classmates, fumbled around a little bit, and got into bed around 11:30 PM. Alarm goes off at 2:30 AM and I'm at the library by 3. Here it is 4AM, I've been studying for an hour, and I have 6 hours till my Marketing final.
Now I looked on wikipedia, which as far as I'm concerned is the authority on everything (they monitor that ish, I trust 'em) and they describe jet lag as follows...
"When traveling across a number of time zones, the body clock will be out of sync with the destination time, as it experiences daylight and darkness contrary to the rhythms to which it has grown accustomed: the body's natural pattern is upset, as the rhythms that dictate times for eating, sleeping, hormone regulation and body temperature variations no longer correspond to the environment..."
Well test lag as I've discovered is when the body clock is out of sync with the college student's normal environment. We wake when its dark, and sleep when its light. I feel like a flippin' vampire. I'm eating breakfast at 2AM and dinner at 11PM. I'm just excited for 6PM today when I can pass out until it's time to go celebrate a week well-fought. Maybe I'll have ice cream or something. Probably or something (Pabst).
Anyway, when describing how screwed up you cramming and sleeping schedules are, describe what time zone your in. For example, "bro, I'm test-lagging Hong Kong right now", or "Man that Rockstar-Latte coctail got me all the way to Kiev with my cram sesh lash night". Make sense?
Hope finals are going well for are you quarter-system friends and exams are going well around spring break for everyone else. Let me know what time zone you're test lagging
Hella Test-Lag
Hellacollege
Sunday, March 8, 2009
The Lion King
It was yet another typical, triflin ass, on the couch friday. We had assembled our "hella college crew" (the group of men most likely to be, or to call out, a hella college moment) and one drunk ass freshman chick (what's a group of men without one?).
We then began chatting about adolesent nothings and insulting one another until one guy brought up the fact that the lion king musical is coming to town:
Frat dick number one: bro, did you hear about the Lion King coming to Portland this summer?
Frat dick number two: WHAT?!!! Bro no way! We're going!!
Frat dick number one: YEAH MOTHAFUCKA!!(stands up and gives #2 a high five)
Frat dick number two: We're gonna get so high! Just fucked up watching Lion King!!
Frat dick number one: HELL YEAH!!! MY HOMEBOY CAN HOOK US UP!!!
Frat dicks 3+4:(sycronized laughter)
I laughed on the outside, but I was hurt internally--the integrity of lion king, and its sociological value, were shattered by the juvinile mentalities of these individuals.
How can we decifer the themes of jealousy, optimism and friendship in Lion King--high as a prepubesent nutsack? How can you appreciate the delicate and intricate love story between Simba and Nala suffering from a canibus attack? You can't even feel the pain of mufasa's death--the most tragic death in disney history! They're such bastards! You can't go to Lion King under the influence!
Freaking idiots.
I hope their weed is laced with laxatives and crushed up sleeping pills so they can pass out and shit themselves at the show.
They'd say it was a crappy perfomance.
Hacunamutata. Hella College.
We then began chatting about adolesent nothings and insulting one another until one guy brought up the fact that the lion king musical is coming to town:
Frat dick number one: bro, did you hear about the Lion King coming to Portland this summer?
Frat dick number two: WHAT?!!! Bro no way! We're going!!
Frat dick number one: YEAH MOTHAFUCKA!!(stands up and gives #2 a high five)
Frat dick number two: We're gonna get so high! Just fucked up watching Lion King!!
Frat dick number one: HELL YEAH!!! MY HOMEBOY CAN HOOK US UP!!!
Frat dicks 3+4:(sycronized laughter)
I laughed on the outside, but I was hurt internally--the integrity of lion king, and its sociological value, were shattered by the juvinile mentalities of these individuals.
How can we decifer the themes of jealousy, optimism and friendship in Lion King--high as a prepubesent nutsack? How can you appreciate the delicate and intricate love story between Simba and Nala suffering from a canibus attack? You can't even feel the pain of mufasa's death--the most tragic death in disney history! They're such bastards! You can't go to Lion King under the influence!
Freaking idiots.
I hope their weed is laced with laxatives and crushed up sleeping pills so they can pass out and shit themselves at the show.
They'd say it was a crappy perfomance.
Hacunamutata. Hella College.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Hellacollege Hustlin'
First let me get this off my chest:
Dear college student friends,
Please get your dirty filthy Dave Matthews Band and Deftones CDs out of my toyota
Please return my Boys Noize CD with the dirty filthy synths
Okay good we can move on:
So yesterday I had to run a few errands. I went to the bank to deposit some cashmoney, swung by McDonalds (Thursdays are 2 Quarter Pounders meal for 4.99), then went to put some petrol in my vehicle. I pull up to the pump and sit frustrated as the gas attendant chats with someone in another car.
Why can't I fill up my own freaking tank?
Anyway the attendant finally comes over and gets my "20 on regular" cash. The following dialogue that ensued was a hellacollege moment.
The gasman notices a few bumper stickers on my car and says: "So uh, you go to the college?"
Yeah man I do
"So uh, do you uh, some weed?"
Haha nah man I stick to boozin
"Damn I got a few dubsacks to get rid of. I get college students in here all the time looking for some trees"
So wait... you mean I can roll in and throw 40 on unleaded, 20 on Purple Haze, and a dime on some snickelfritz? What kind of oregano are you pushin' man? Taking advantage of poor impulsive college students? Shame on you. Don't you know weed is a gateway drug? Its on wikipedia man... it has to be true. Some unsuspecting FHS major rolls in to fill up her Jetta and all of a sudden you have her hooked on the white horse? And yes, I would like my receipt.
Hella Triflin' college town gas attendant
Dear college student friends,
Please get your dirty filthy Dave Matthews Band and Deftones CDs out of my toyota
Please return my Boys Noize CD with the dirty filthy synths
Okay good we can move on:
So yesterday I had to run a few errands. I went to the bank to deposit some cashmoney, swung by McDonalds (Thursdays are 2 Quarter Pounders meal for 4.99), then went to put some petrol in my vehicle. I pull up to the pump and sit frustrated as the gas attendant chats with someone in another car.
Why can't I fill up my own freaking tank?
Anyway the attendant finally comes over and gets my "20 on regular" cash. The following dialogue that ensued was a hellacollege moment.
The gasman notices a few bumper stickers on my car and says: "So uh, you go to the college?"
Yeah man I do
"So uh, do you uh, some weed?"
Haha nah man I stick to boozin
"Damn I got a few dubsacks to get rid of. I get college students in here all the time looking for some trees"
So wait... you mean I can roll in and throw 40 on unleaded, 20 on Purple Haze, and a dime on some snickelfritz? What kind of oregano are you pushin' man? Taking advantage of poor impulsive college students? Shame on you. Don't you know weed is a gateway drug? Its on wikipedia man... it has to be true. Some unsuspecting FHS major rolls in to fill up her Jetta and all of a sudden you have her hooked on the white horse? And yes, I would like my receipt.
Hella Triflin' college town gas attendant
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Hellacollege Means Being Thrifty
Living Hellacollege often means living thrifty. Whether donating plasma for cash (Ladies I think you can get like $3,000 for an egg), sending letters to senator's for free spaghetti, or waiting till 10 PM to make phone calls, you have to do what you can to make every penny count. Good news, all of you can take a lesson from a buddy I saw today. Take notes:
So getting near the end of the term and I've been pretty much living on campus. I went home for lunch today, then made the trek back to Uncle Phil's home of learning, the Kinght Library. As I'm getting near the huge doors, I see a buddy:
Whats up man? Where you off to?
"Well I was walking back from class and I had to take a deuce. I figured we wouldn't have any TP at my house so I'm making a library stop"
Good job man. Way to stay thrifty.
HELLACOLLEGE
PS You can also shower at the rec to cut down on water bills.
So getting near the end of the term and I've been pretty much living on campus. I went home for lunch today, then made the trek back to Uncle Phil's home of learning, the Kinght Library. As I'm getting near the huge doors, I see a buddy:
Whats up man? Where you off to?
"Well I was walking back from class and I had to take a deuce. I figured we wouldn't have any TP at my house so I'm making a library stop"
Good job man. Way to stay thrifty.
HELLACOLLEGE
PS You can also shower at the rec to cut down on water bills.
EXAMPLE OF A HELLA COLLEGE CRIB...
Here is an example of what we we are looking for in our contest. You need to send pics, but it would increase your chances of winning if you gave us a written break down of the rooms that are most the most triflin', stories about how this room was made, and even kicking in some of that hella college sarcasm if you can. You'll want to sell the house you're describing as the most triflin' spot in all the land, but we want proof that this place you are describing IS REALLY YOURS AND NOT SOME PIC ON THE INTERNET OR SOME PIC PHOTOSHOPPED, and should you win the contest, we will take a tour of this place to verify it as hella college. Again, the writing is not mandatory, but it will help you persuade the judges. For information, look at the previous post below.
Oh, and this place I'm about to describe is real.
Concrete paths, dirt, and loose weeds tatter front yard--the land lord has promised to fix it up since September--and it is now March. While it more like a prison than a house on the outside, this is the chosen residence of 4 young scholars. If you follow the "grey" brick road to that window with a locked handle they call a door, you will witness one of the most hella college environments known to man.
THE DOORWAY/PLAYROOM:
As you take your first step inside, you look to your right and see a shrine of frisbees. about 8 or nine flying saucers that one dim-witted individual decided would be "cool" nailed to the wall side by side. as you walk around, don't trip over that soccer ball that everyone randomly juggles in between commercials, and feel free to take a shot on the basketball hoop...if you can find the ball. There's also there's a dartboard thats posted on the corner of a hall that leads to the kitchen. I've always laughed at the thought of someone coming out of the kitchen with a fresh bowl of top ramen, and losing an eye in the process of getting to the TV--but this risk doesn't matter because what What would a hella college household be without an inconvieniently placed dartboard?
well,above all, a hell of a lot safer.
THE LIVING ROOM:
Every man with a funtioning erection's dream. Two tv's, two xbox 360s, a couch, a recliner (that probably doesn't recline...), framed movie posters, leftovers from last week sitting on top of the tv (WTF are half eaten tortillas doing on top of what I'm watching?), a newly built computer that has hella games but no internet, an nintendo 64 (keep it classic),eternally empty beer cans, a stewy bobble head, the fireplace that will never be used, and even a universal control that looks like that brainwashing device off of Men In Black.
THE KITCHEN/MESS HALL:
...It's a mess. In the sink, there's an untraveled mountain of dishes left from that romantic mac N' cheese dinner a roommate and his girlfriend had last night. On the window seal, a graveyard of all the widmers that they've induldged (theres an empty spot where the lock on the window is). The fridge is a ravenous pile of frozen goods, junk food, and junk food.
THE BATHROOM/LIBRARY:
In the event that you have to ship the chocolate to the factory, take the kids to the pool, or take a shit, this house has a perfect little place to do so: the bathroom. but I assure you this isnt any bathroom. it's more like a shitter's convention library. they have a "bathroom trivia book" a "mad tv bothroom book" and many other fun and interesting novelties to keep you on the crapper long enough to make the next person in line piss themselves.
AND FINALLY...THE BEERPONG ROOM:
upstairs in the attic-like area leading to someone's room, the folks at this lovely palace decided to craft a state-of-the-art beerpong room. The room has speakers spread about to distract players from making it in that last cup, 3 black lights to show you which guys are chronic masterbaters, a checker design made with white printing paper on the wall that, when combined with the blackligts, make the walls look like chess on mushrooms. and Even the table itself is a marvel--white with green trim around the egdes, green equilateral triangles where they form the cups, and a nice big O in the middle of the half table line representing the university of Oregon. my only conern was how close it was to the stairs. I asked them "how do you guys prevent the ball from falling down them?" A guy then pointed to a line of red cups taped together that stopped balls from going downstairs.Hella Crafty.
so submit your pics and (optional) stories to our email @ hellacollege@gmail.com, or in person if you're unfortunate enough to know us.
-Hella College.
Oh, and this place I'm about to describe is real.
Concrete paths, dirt, and loose weeds tatter front yard--the land lord has promised to fix it up since September--and it is now March. While it more like a prison than a house on the outside, this is the chosen residence of 4 young scholars. If you follow the "grey" brick road to that window with a locked handle they call a door, you will witness one of the most hella college environments known to man.
THE DOORWAY/PLAYROOM:
As you take your first step inside, you look to your right and see a shrine of frisbees. about 8 or nine flying saucers that one dim-witted individual decided would be "cool" nailed to the wall side by side. as you walk around, don't trip over that soccer ball that everyone randomly juggles in between commercials, and feel free to take a shot on the basketball hoop...if you can find the ball. There's also there's a dartboard thats posted on the corner of a hall that leads to the kitchen. I've always laughed at the thought of someone coming out of the kitchen with a fresh bowl of top ramen, and losing an eye in the process of getting to the TV--but this risk doesn't matter because what What would a hella college household be without an inconvieniently placed dartboard?
well,above all, a hell of a lot safer.
THE LIVING ROOM:
Every man with a funtioning erection's dream. Two tv's, two xbox 360s, a couch, a recliner (that probably doesn't recline...), framed movie posters, leftovers from last week sitting on top of the tv (WTF are half eaten tortillas doing on top of what I'm watching?), a newly built computer that has hella games but no internet, an nintendo 64 (keep it classic),eternally empty beer cans, a stewy bobble head, the fireplace that will never be used, and even a universal control that looks like that brainwashing device off of Men In Black.
THE KITCHEN/MESS HALL:
...It's a mess. In the sink, there's an untraveled mountain of dishes left from that romantic mac N' cheese dinner a roommate and his girlfriend had last night. On the window seal, a graveyard of all the widmers that they've induldged (theres an empty spot where the lock on the window is). The fridge is a ravenous pile of frozen goods, junk food, and junk food.
THE BATHROOM/LIBRARY:
In the event that you have to ship the chocolate to the factory, take the kids to the pool, or take a shit, this house has a perfect little place to do so: the bathroom. but I assure you this isnt any bathroom. it's more like a shitter's convention library. they have a "bathroom trivia book" a "mad tv bothroom book" and many other fun and interesting novelties to keep you on the crapper long enough to make the next person in line piss themselves.
AND FINALLY...THE BEERPONG ROOM:
upstairs in the attic-like area leading to someone's room, the folks at this lovely palace decided to craft a state-of-the-art beerpong room. The room has speakers spread about to distract players from making it in that last cup, 3 black lights to show you which guys are chronic masterbaters, a checker design made with white printing paper on the wall that, when combined with the blackligts, make the walls look like chess on mushrooms. and Even the table itself is a marvel--white with green trim around the egdes, green equilateral triangles where they form the cups, and a nice big O in the middle of the half table line representing the university of Oregon. my only conern was how close it was to the stairs. I asked them "how do you guys prevent the ball from falling down them?" A guy then pointed to a line of red cups taped together that stopped balls from going downstairs.Hella Crafty.
so submit your pics and (optional) stories to our email @ hellacollege@gmail.com, or in person if you're unfortunate enough to know us.
-Hella College.
Contest: Hellacollege Cribs
Alright so in the past years as an undergrad I've seen some pretty gnarly dorms/homes/apartments/basements/treehouses/library cubicles that people call home at the end of the day.
Have a subwoofer built into your couch? Hellacollege
Pasted up a ceiling beerbox Mural? Hellacollege
Converted your minifridge into a DIY kegerator? Impressive
I want to see the most HELLACOLLEGE rooms possible. I want to see some convertible beer gaming tables, some homemade stadium seating, and some tagged up futons. Whatever you've got that shows you're living the Hellacollege lifestyle... send me pictures via hellacollege@gmail.com
All submissions must be recieved by April 1, 2009. The winner will be judged by a vote of beer tabs put into boxes at a hellacollege party. The winner will receive 2 cases of Rockstar Energy Drink, some Rockstar swag, and some Hellacollege swag. Let's see what you got!
-Hellacollege
Have a subwoofer built into your couch? Hellacollege
Pasted up a ceiling beerbox Mural? Hellacollege
Converted your minifridge into a DIY kegerator? Impressive
I want to see the most HELLACOLLEGE rooms possible. I want to see some convertible beer gaming tables, some homemade stadium seating, and some tagged up futons. Whatever you've got that shows you're living the Hellacollege lifestyle... send me pictures via hellacollege@gmail.com
All submissions must be recieved by April 1, 2009. The winner will be judged by a vote of beer tabs put into boxes at a hellacollege party. The winner will receive 2 cases of Rockstar Energy Drink, some Rockstar swag, and some Hellacollege swag. Let's see what you got!
-Hellacollege
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Fraud
So tonight at midnight I turn 21 years old. The last milestone birthday thats not depressing, or it's not supposed ot be...
I've been planning a trip to Las Vegas for 6 months now. Tonight I'm supposed to drive up to Portland and hit the bars with some of my closest, then tomorrow, I'm scheduled to jump on a plan and end up in Sin City by 2PM. Everyone keeps telling me I'll have the time of my life.
EFF my Life though. I went to the bank today to deposit a $250 dollar check for deejaying a sorrority function. I get my recipt back, and there's only $90 in my account. WTF? I check my account activity and an just thrilled to discover my identiy has been stolen! YES! Hundreds of dollars spent at some flippin 7-11 in Hollywood. I call the fraud hotline and spend over an hour on hold, finally get through, and they tell me to make a claim I have to update my address since its time sensitive mail or something. Various phone calls later, I end up with the money still gone, my account is frozen, and all I have are the 10 dollars in my pocket.
Viva Las Vegas
Happy Birthday to me
Hella Triflin'ass fraud jerk, please stop buying slurpees and swishers and calling cards with my money.
I've been planning a trip to Las Vegas for 6 months now. Tonight I'm supposed to drive up to Portland and hit the bars with some of my closest, then tomorrow, I'm scheduled to jump on a plan and end up in Sin City by 2PM. Everyone keeps telling me I'll have the time of my life.
EFF my Life though. I went to the bank today to deposit a $250 dollar check for deejaying a sorrority function. I get my recipt back, and there's only $90 in my account. WTF? I check my account activity and an just thrilled to discover my identiy has been stolen! YES! Hundreds of dollars spent at some flippin 7-11 in Hollywood. I call the fraud hotline and spend over an hour on hold, finally get through, and they tell me to make a claim I have to update my address since its time sensitive mail or something. Various phone calls later, I end up with the money still gone, my account is frozen, and all I have are the 10 dollars in my pocket.
Viva Las Vegas
Happy Birthday to me
Hella Triflin'ass fraud jerk, please stop buying slurpees and swishers and calling cards with my money.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Swell-bow Baggins
So today at lunch we somehow got on the subject of naming injuries.
Last year someone turned on all the sinks in the bathroom, effectiverly taking all the water pressure out of my shower. Angry and soapy, I bolted out of the shower to get revenge on the hygene thief. Before the culprit could get out of the bathroom, I put all my might into a superman tackle. As a flew through the air, the pressure burgler put his arms up and pushed back to avoid being assaulted by a very naked, very wet, very pissed off me. The rest of the fall seemed to be in slow motion as I keeled backward and fell, elbow first, onto the herringbone bathroom tile.
Long story short, I finished my shower and noticed an odd, balloon-ish type swelling thing going on in my elbow area. It ended up equivalent to a tennis-ball sized water grenade hanging from my right arm. After a few days of evolution, we ended up referring to my injury as the infamous "Swell-bow Baggins". One exploded elbow-sack to rule them all.
Yall have any good injuries you've named?
Last year someone turned on all the sinks in the bathroom, effectiverly taking all the water pressure out of my shower. Angry and soapy, I bolted out of the shower to get revenge on the hygene thief. Before the culprit could get out of the bathroom, I put all my might into a superman tackle. As a flew through the air, the pressure burgler put his arms up and pushed back to avoid being assaulted by a very naked, very wet, very pissed off me. The rest of the fall seemed to be in slow motion as I keeled backward and fell, elbow first, onto the herringbone bathroom tile.
Long story short, I finished my shower and noticed an odd, balloon-ish type swelling thing going on in my elbow area. It ended up equivalent to a tennis-ball sized water grenade hanging from my right arm. After a few days of evolution, we ended up referring to my injury as the infamous "Swell-bow Baggins". One exploded elbow-sack to rule them all.
Yall have any good injuries you've named?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
What your drink says about you...
So over the past couple years of college, I started noticing that what people drink says a whole lot about them. Check it:
Keystone Light- Your dad drinks coors, its what you started sneaking from the fridge in high-school. You're paying for college with loans and a crappy job
Pabst Blue Ribbon- You're either from the northwest, new jersey, you're a hipster, or you're underage and gave 10 bucks to someone who identifys as any of the previous groups.
Olde English 800- You're from the suburbs but you listen to NWA, you've probably made 3 or 4 joke rap songs. You drank PBR, but it wasn't as ironic as Brass Monkey
Random Microbrew- You're nervous in social situations and think having a unique beer is a good way for people to notice you and start a conversation about how "hoppy" the aftertaste is.
Busch Light- "You eat what you drink" -R. Lake (directed at freshman girls)
Captain Morgan- You have an older brother who has a DUI
Barbarosa- You can't afford Captain Morgan
HRD- You generally punch 3 holes in drywall every time you party
HRD (Popov works too) poured into an empty Skyy Bottle- Your name is Joey Beach and you're trying to impress freshmen ladies.
So its getting late and I have some Red Stripe to drink (what does that say?). Hope midterms went well for yall.
PS comment and leave some of your own gross generalizations about drinks and people!
Stay triflin' yall
Hella College
PPS. Here's a song you might like...
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
You're Hella College If...
With the creation of this blog, many have asked, "what does it mean to be hella college?" We at hella college found it very important to formally pronounce just what our sick and sadly unoccupied minds mean when we say that you are hella college, or that you just performed an act that is hella college.
Before I begin to define this term and it's orgins, I find it important (and slightly humorus) to tell you what, contrary to belief, it isn't.
Hella college is NOT:
Getting over a 4.0 gpa: that's just being too productive--what are you, a student?
Having a "social" drink: that just doesn't make sense. here at hella college, we drink to make excused social mistakes--like that amazon woman that you sadly admitted to enjoying, that ear drum busting karaoke experience, that beer you dumped on that cute-yet-amazingly-sleazy-freshman girl, or even that time you cussed out the house christian--for shits and giggles.
Studying: That's for well prepared people--SO unhella college.
Clean jokes: LAME.
PG-13 comedies: We just turned 18! we want to celebrate our newly acquired right to view the poetic licenses of like-minded innocent perverts! if it doesn't involve a crude breast joke, a poorly misplaced nice ass, or a plot line that depends on drinking the most beer, I'm going to laugh at it.
Honestly taking a test: ....enough said
Anything that involves, or relates to, the terms: punctual, responsible, safe, wise, healthy, planned, on-time, controlled, neat, integritive or cucumbers.
If it's productive and not ironic, it's usually not hella college.
"But m. professor-of-hella-collegeology! what is hella college?" you might ask, "and what does it mean to be not just college--but hella college?"
Well, student of hella collegism, The term hella college was coined by myself and comrades when we noticed several brilliantly stupid events, that can only be witnessed in a college environment. We decided, subconsciously, that we wanted to craft a phrase that captures the irony of a situation within the term itself: combining Hella ( meaning"of vast abundance" in idiot language), and college (being the land of "great minds and higher learning"), shows the clear and intentional, internal juxposition.
Hella college is being stupid in a wise way, or wise in a stupid way.
Here, I've conjured a few demostrations of being hella college here to clarify, and to put in action, the definition I just crafted...
You are hella college, or are in the act of being hella college if:
Before I begin to define this term and it's orgins, I find it important (and slightly humorus) to tell you what, contrary to belief, it isn't.
Hella college is NOT:
Getting over a 4.0 gpa: that's just being too productive--what are you, a student?
Having a "social" drink: that just doesn't make sense. here at hella college, we drink to make excused social mistakes--like that amazon woman that you sadly admitted to enjoying, that ear drum busting karaoke experience, that beer you dumped on that cute-yet-amazingly-sleazy-freshman girl, or even that time you cussed out the house christian--for shits and giggles.
Studying: That's for well prepared people--SO unhella college.
Clean jokes: LAME.
PG-13 comedies: We just turned 18! we want to celebrate our newly acquired right to view the poetic licenses of like-minded innocent perverts! if it doesn't involve a crude breast joke, a poorly misplaced nice ass, or a plot line that depends on drinking the most beer, I'm going to laugh at it.
Honestly taking a test: ....enough said
Anything that involves, or relates to, the terms: punctual, responsible, safe, wise, healthy, planned, on-time, controlled, neat, integritive or cucumbers.
If it's productive and not ironic, it's usually not hella college.
"But m. professor-of-hella-collegeology! what is hella college?" you might ask, "and what does it mean to be not just college--but hella college?"
Well, student of hella collegism, The term hella college was coined by myself and comrades when we noticed several brilliantly stupid events, that can only be witnessed in a college environment. We decided, subconsciously, that we wanted to craft a phrase that captures the irony of a situation within the term itself: combining Hella ( meaning"of vast abundance" in idiot language), and college (being the land of "great minds and higher learning"), shows the clear and intentional, internal juxposition.
Hella college is being stupid in a wise way, or wise in a stupid way.
Here, I've conjured a few demostrations of being hella college here to clarify, and to put in action, the definition I just crafted...
You are hella college, or are in the act of being hella college if:
- you eat mac n' cheese...from the same pot you cooked it in.
- when you tell your parents that you're a buisness major, that's code for, "I have no clue what the hell I want to do."
- you have more top ramen packets than realistic aspirations.
- you can live a whole month--off of 25 dollars worth of food.
- you actively manage your beer budget.
- have 18 credits--and 12 of them are P.E classes.
- You took that 6 A.M yoga class not for the great strech or relaxation, but because you heard the instructor had a nice, tight set of buns that you'd love to see in the "downward dog"
- dissolving a multi-vitamin tablet into a bowl of chilli is your version of a well balenced meal.
- Both your mom--and your favorite porn star--are in your Myspace top 8.
- Your pedantic nature, combined with your vivacious immaturity, can turn the topic of favorite comic book charater, into a formal debate with guest speakers, opening and closing statements, and impractcal statistics that your useless mind retains...
"superman is fair superior to wolverine on the basis that he represented, metaporically, the era of economic prosperity, social identity crisis, and Roosevelts welfare reform, while wolverine, according to 90 percent of the population, is considered to be, "a rude and crude punk."
- Your next meal is dependent upon the next dumb bet you make: "I'll bet you five dollars that lloyd will say something about his girlfriend when he gives his speech."
- You go to Disneyland on your birthday for the free admission...but forget to bring money for rides; so you spend your birthday in Disneyland taking pictures with Mickey Mouse, and shining your laser pen on peoples faces.
- Healthy study habits of yours include "weapons of mass distraction" (study with that sorority girl with the huge breasts) "operation academic watergate" (bum off of your friends notes) and, in the case that you actually need to be, or at least seem to be knowledgeable for a test, you break out the ultimate tool: "operation I-dont-have-A.D.D-but-I'm-gonna-pop-hella-Adderall and-study-till-my-ass-chaps."
- And lastly, you're hella college if you place the terms hella, triflin', Samuel L. Jackson, Unforgivable and RUUUUBIEZ into the most cherished vaults of your vocabulary.
These, ladies and gentlemen, are the essentials of living the "hella college" lifestyle. We uphold these demonstrations as exerpts from the lives of every "hella collage" being of our nation. Our 4 values: thriftyness, fibbing, exaggerating and psuedo-intellect, drive us into a future of underemployment, economic struggle, and continual resume' reform. We believe in Hella College as a shrine of sarcasm and intellecual irony--sadly, we are your future.
Now that you know what it means to be Hella College, feel free to add in your own "You're hella college if lists"(ex: you're hella college if your computer's soul function is porn sites and google searches) via comments...good contributions will be added to a later blog on "what readers think it means to be hella college."
Oh yeah...I almost forgot...HELLA COLLEGE!Sunday, February 8, 2009
College Cuisine Part 2
I just got home from the library. One of my roomates asked me "Yo did you eat dinner yet"
Nah man I had a late lunch with my sister in the dorms. I think Im just gonna hit up safeway and get some popcorn and sourpatch kids and something to drink
"Holluhhh im down!"
We're watching Jurassic Park in an hour, our 11th Samuel L. Jackson movie this turn.
Hella College
Nah man I had a late lunch with my sister in the dorms. I think Im just gonna hit up safeway and get some popcorn and sourpatch kids and something to drink
"Holluhhh im down!"
We're watching Jurassic Park in an hour, our 11th Samuel L. Jackson movie this turn.
Hella College
The Student Special
College cuisine finds many forms: Old pizza (reference our first post), ramen noodles, writing letters to senators for free spaghetti, and forgetting food to buy beer.... One of the staples of college cuisine has always been the fast food value menu. As it turned out, 2008 was a great year for college students; value menus at fast food restaurants got on their game. Taco bell came out with its 79, 89, 99 cent menu, Subway's $5 footlong got even mightier, Del came out with Dan's deal, and Wendy's added some cheep favorites. One of my favorite cheap fulls though is the local McDonalds student special.
I never really liked McDonalds. It made me feel sluggish, sickly, and greasy. Then college came, and those words become synonymous with full, so I decided to revaluate my relationship with America's burger joint. A friend introduced me to the Student Special: 2 cheeseburgers, a small, fry, and a small drink for 2.99. Make sure to ask for Mac-sauce, and thats not a bad full for under 3 bucks.
Anyway, the other day I ended up at McDonalds with 3 other buddies. We were hungry and broke, so we rolled through campus ended up in a fairly empty dining room about 9 o'clock at night. One buddy and I both ordered specials, while the other two split a 2 Quarter-pounder combo and assed a McChicken each to compensate for the split. When we all got our food we aruged through handfulls of fries who got more burg for their buck. After a few comments like, "bro the mac sauce makes it so much more filling", and "no man the QP has the lettuce and tomato definately has the edge for just a bit more money" we were interrupted by a young woman in the back corner of the dining room.
"Im homeless, and you guys sound just like homeless people"
She went on to explain how she'd been married 3 times and had a couple miscarriages, but she didn't feel so bad about being homeless after listening to us bicker about nickels and frys. One of my friends even tried to get in a debt battle with the young woman, student loans vs. divorce and medical bills. He lost the battle, but we all came out a little impressed and a little depressed at how heated we'd gotten over a couple dimes and a cheeseburger.
Happy Eating college folk, let me kow if there's any good deals I don't know about yet.
Hella Thrifty, Hella College
I never really liked McDonalds. It made me feel sluggish, sickly, and greasy. Then college came, and those words become synonymous with full, so I decided to revaluate my relationship with America's burger joint. A friend introduced me to the Student Special: 2 cheeseburgers, a small, fry, and a small drink for 2.99. Make sure to ask for Mac-sauce, and thats not a bad full for under 3 bucks.
Anyway, the other day I ended up at McDonalds with 3 other buddies. We were hungry and broke, so we rolled through campus ended up in a fairly empty dining room about 9 o'clock at night. One buddy and I both ordered specials, while the other two split a 2 Quarter-pounder combo and assed a McChicken each to compensate for the split. When we all got our food we aruged through handfulls of fries who got more burg for their buck. After a few comments like, "bro the mac sauce makes it so much more filling", and "no man the QP has the lettuce and tomato definately has the edge for just a bit more money" we were interrupted by a young woman in the back corner of the dining room.
"Im homeless, and you guys sound just like homeless people"
She went on to explain how she'd been married 3 times and had a couple miscarriages, but she didn't feel so bad about being homeless after listening to us bicker about nickels and frys. One of my friends even tried to get in a debt battle with the young woman, student loans vs. divorce and medical bills. He lost the battle, but we all came out a little impressed and a little depressed at how heated we'd gotten over a couple dimes and a cheeseburger.
Happy Eating college folk, let me kow if there's any good deals I don't know about yet.
Hella Thrifty, Hella College
Monday, February 2, 2009
Aural Skillz
So I'm pretty sure most college students share in a very specific Sunday afternoon ritual. This is how it goes
4:00 PM- Start homework
4:07 PM- Check facebook
4:12 PM- Go complain about the homework you've been working on all afternoon
Yesterday this ritual was special though, we had a new guy move into our house. He's a music major, and about 5:15 he comes into my room where a few guys are sitting around.
"God, this aural skills class is killing me"
Whaddyah mean? What are you working on?
"I have to listen to music, then right it down"
Out of the cuts, another buddy decides to chime in, "Shit man what are you complaining about? Just lyrics.com that shit! You're complaining? I got French and shit to worry about"
Aural skills is listening to music and writing down the notes not the lyrics. Way to go.
Hella College
Guilty Pleasures No More
Ever since I've came to college, I've noticed that a lot of the guilty little fetishes in our loosely educated minds are shared. You know--that sappy ass track on your iTunes, that Disney movie you just bought, that Backstreet Boys song you sing every morning in the shower...ok, maybe not that one--but a lot of the little quirks that you'd be ashamed of in high school, are cool here--which makes sense in a school full of liberal-hearted-recycle nazi-hippies...
I reveled in the greatness of this newfound truth on (what seemed at first to be) a typical Saturday night. It was me, my "bros" (flex nuts), and a vast assortment of chicks with various intoxication levels.
We were up to the same ol' saturday night shinanigans: dancing and drinking while my buddy was DJing, until after several threats, noise complaints, and a cheese only calzone split between 4 of us (wtf?), we realized that it was awfully late and time to mellow down.
movie time--and the great debate began!
"I wanna watch this!" "I wanna watch that!" "oh we should watch this!" We were getting nowhere.
Then one guy, drunk as hell, finally convinced me to put in some triflin' ass dry humor flick--but after all his hard work persuading, threatening, and ignoring counter arguments, he made the foolish mistake of leaving to get something to eat while the dvd was still on the title menu.
We talked to eachother in his absense, and realized how tight it would be to watch Blue Planet--a high definition animal love fest with a mancrushable British narrator. The choice was unanimous, and while he was gone warming up a cup of noodles, we changed the movie from his choice, to ours.
Shortly after this, he arrived and was furious.
"I won't forget this injustice." he sternly yet sloppily stated (as though he just lost a major surpreme court case--on mushrooms) and began bitterly eating his cup of noodles.
Despite his drunken anger, we began the optical sex scandal known as Blue Planet, and let me tell you, if you haven't enjoyed one of these videos, you aren't alive: elagant coloring, unreal animals, indepth descriptions, crisp camera angles, beauteous scenery(you can make checks payable to Tyree Harris, Animal Planet).
I was stunned that the whole room had this passion. I'd never share this in high school, nor would I imagine it being pleasurable to enjoy with a large crowd. This was borderline revolutionary--I can share this with people and not be ashamed!
(...thats what he said.)
So we spent the rest of the night in love and sharing our deep and hidden crush on animal shows--well, all except for drunk ass, who stormed of to bed early, leaving a watering hole of noodleless chicken broth behind.
Hella College.
I reveled in the greatness of this newfound truth on (what seemed at first to be) a typical Saturday night. It was me, my "bros" (flex nuts), and a vast assortment of chicks with various intoxication levels.
We were up to the same ol' saturday night shinanigans: dancing and drinking while my buddy was DJing, until after several threats, noise complaints, and a cheese only calzone split between 4 of us (wtf?), we realized that it was awfully late and time to mellow down.
movie time--and the great debate began!
"I wanna watch this!" "I wanna watch that!" "oh we should watch this!" We were getting nowhere.
Then one guy, drunk as hell, finally convinced me to put in some triflin' ass dry humor flick--but after all his hard work persuading, threatening, and ignoring counter arguments, he made the foolish mistake of leaving to get something to eat while the dvd was still on the title menu.
We talked to eachother in his absense, and realized how tight it would be to watch Blue Planet--a high definition animal love fest with a mancrushable British narrator. The choice was unanimous, and while he was gone warming up a cup of noodles, we changed the movie from his choice, to ours.
Shortly after this, he arrived and was furious.
"I won't forget this injustice." he sternly yet sloppily stated (as though he just lost a major surpreme court case--on mushrooms) and began bitterly eating his cup of noodles.
Despite his drunken anger, we began the optical sex scandal known as Blue Planet, and let me tell you, if you haven't enjoyed one of these videos, you aren't alive: elagant coloring, unreal animals, indepth descriptions, crisp camera angles, beauteous scenery(you can make checks payable to Tyree Harris, Animal Planet).
I was stunned that the whole room had this passion. I'd never share this in high school, nor would I imagine it being pleasurable to enjoy with a large crowd. This was borderline revolutionary--I can share this with people and not be ashamed!
(...thats what he said.)
So we spent the rest of the night in love and sharing our deep and hidden crush on animal shows--well, all except for drunk ass, who stormed of to bed early, leaving a watering hole of noodleless chicken broth behind.
Hella College.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Comparitive Literature
Everyone has that friend that has to summarize the meaning, master narratives, and subtitles of plot in every movie you watch.
"Bro, did you notice the reverse Oedipal narrative in Jumper? It was totally the mom's duty to kill her son, but she didn't want to so she fled."
"Dude, these Penguins are totally crossing Joseph Campbell's "first threshold" right now. This scene is totally speaking to society's collective unconscious."
Today, I'm officially dubbing you, analytical friend, CLIT101. We realize you had an inspiring and intriguing junior-year English teacher. We know you got a B+ in Comparitive Literature 101. We appreciate your intentions when you tell us how relevant The Life Aquatic is because of its underying themes and archetypal characters. Please stop. If you try and explain why you could "totally write an awesome essay" on one more Samuel L. Jackson movie, society's unconscious will force me to kick you in the teeth. Your parents paid a lot for those braces, and we wouldn't want some of the angrier archetypes presnet in society to mess all that up.
That is all.
HELLA CLIT101, HELLA COLLEGE
"Bro, did you notice the reverse Oedipal narrative in Jumper? It was totally the mom's duty to kill her son, but she didn't want to so she fled."
"Dude, these Penguins are totally crossing Joseph Campbell's "first threshold" right now. This scene is totally speaking to society's collective unconscious."
Today, I'm officially dubbing you, analytical friend, CLIT101. We realize you had an inspiring and intriguing junior-year English teacher. We know you got a B+ in Comparitive Literature 101. We appreciate your intentions when you tell us how relevant The Life Aquatic is because of its underying themes and archetypal characters. Please stop. If you try and explain why you could "totally write an awesome essay" on one more Samuel L. Jackson movie, society's unconscious will force me to kick you in the teeth. Your parents paid a lot for those braces, and we wouldn't want some of the angrier archetypes presnet in society to mess all that up.
That is all.
HELLA CLIT101, HELLA COLLEGE
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Thats my son
I had one of those moments today when I was a bit impressed at how low I've let myself get.
I got out of my afternoon class and wanted nothing more than to grub, grab a nap, and let my brain rest up a bit before hitting the library later. The walk home is about ten minutes, so I decided to call my mom and see how the homestead was holding up. She starts telling me some story about some lady she met who knows someone who goes to my school, and how when he was a kid he accidentally put a golf club into the face of some girl I dated and how her new hairdresser was in the same sorority as my sister, and whatever other gossip she could vomit into her blackberry. She was in the middle of a sentence about the sudoku she did that morning when I stopped her. I looked down at what I pulled out of the microwave and stared embrassed/disgusted/terrified/amused at my lunch.
"Okay Mom I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. I was kinda on autopilot while you were talking, and I just pulled something really embrassing from the microwave. I have 2 slices of Hawiian pizza with a huge bite out of them. There's little dimples where the pineapple pieces used to be, and the slices are resting on a ripped up side of a miller high life beer box."
Thats my son
Hella College
I got out of my afternoon class and wanted nothing more than to grub, grab a nap, and let my brain rest up a bit before hitting the library later. The walk home is about ten minutes, so I decided to call my mom and see how the homestead was holding up. She starts telling me some story about some lady she met who knows someone who goes to my school, and how when he was a kid he accidentally put a golf club into the face of some girl I dated and how her new hairdresser was in the same sorority as my sister, and whatever other gossip she could vomit into her blackberry. She was in the middle of a sentence about the sudoku she did that morning when I stopped her. I looked down at what I pulled out of the microwave and stared embrassed/disgusted/terrified/amused at my lunch.
"Okay Mom I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. I was kinda on autopilot while you were talking, and I just pulled something really embrassing from the microwave. I have 2 slices of Hawiian pizza with a huge bite out of them. There's little dimples where the pineapple pieces used to be, and the slices are resting on a ripped up side of a miller high life beer box."
Thats my son
Hella College
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