Today, after my 3rd pack of Top Ramen, I've realized that there are several things that make life that much more livable...no not something as simple (and whimpy) as friends, love and family, but rather, a list of activities, inventions, and products that make life oh so sweet. this is my hella college survival list.
1)The lovely folks at WALMART greet me with a 65-year-old worker with no health insurance, exploit hundreds of thousands of foreign workers, undercut millions of small buisnesses, and provide me with ketchup one dollar cheaper than the national average!! yay wal-mart!!!
2)In the event that mixing all that damn butter and milk and powder into boiling noodles becomes too tedious a task for your lazy ass, EASY MAC offers to cut this 7 minute process down one minute! thats right! you can now stop slaving over that steaming pot of noodles and pay more money for one testicle sized cup of convienence!
3)After you realize that your 5 foot 3 167 lb frame isn't quite fit for D-1 athletics, life may feel meaningless. But wait! you can still live out the days of being the best kid on your block in 3rd grade with INTRUMURAL SPORTS! Who knows, maybe the football coaches will be scouting at your championship game...I've heard the team really needs a solid waterboy for next season.
4)On the topic of athletics and fitness, who doesn't owe losing their freshman 15 to a semi-fasting diet and the REACREATION CENTER?
5)Tired of doing homework non-stop? want something to distract you from that 2 page take home final due in 20 minutes? Do you like stalking on moderately attractive women that you have no chance of hooking up with--without any legal action? Then look no further than FACEBOOK!
6)Ahh the MICROWAVE: making me sacrifice good quality meals for unevenly heated grubble.
7)When you really need a good pair of gloves or headphones, but dont want to pay for them, hit the LOST and FOUND and say you lost some...one man's misplacement is another man's theft.
8)When all those 17 year old girls you're persuading to come to your college to be your weekend flings start calling too much about all their boy problems, drama, and hobbies, what's more usefull than the OFF BUTTON ON YOUR PHONE? "sorry Stacy...my phone died last night..."
9)Nothing brings you back to those good old days better than A BOWL OF FRUIT LOOPS AND CARTOONS ON SATURDAY MORNING. Dont forget the one piece pajamas.
10)And lastly, MUSIC...but not just any music, but the kind that makes women pregnant without intercourse. I'm talking the isley brothers, , Marvin Gaye, Al Green, Earth Wind and Fire, R.kelly (before the piss incident), Musiq Soulchild...and even some Coldplay
So tell me you hella college bastards, what's on your survival list?
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