Great uses for financial aid...

While most people spent their spring break blacking out at Disneyland, Mines consisted of working for money toward my spring term books, right here in the wonderfully lame Euge. I picked up about 30 hours at the friendly neighboorhood Slaveway, and spent my scarce free-time playing video games (thank god for X-box live).

Boy, what a wonderful freshman spring break.

Go ahead: rub it in my face in with that trip to Italy, that drive to California, that beach exploration, or whatever "fun" you had...I'll be happy to let you know I mastered the art of close range combat and trash-talking on Halo 3. But despite all the gamer achievements and new online friends, this was probably my worst week in college thus far.

In every clam, there is a pearl however, and though I wasn't expecting it from this week of lameness, a wee bit of a hellacollege moment was born. After all, being the hellacollege-magnet that I am, had to run into something worthy of posting...

it's a wednesday evening. I'm working the checkstand, checking out all the regular crackheads, republican hippies, and drunk ass underagers with fake I.Ds. These two college girls then walk up to my checkstand with a 24 pack of Miller, so I begin some petty conversation with them, and the topic of finacial aid refund checks comes up.

In case you don't know, a Financial aid refund is money left over after a students financial aid disperse pays for tuition...most kids use that money to pay for books, rent, credit cards fees, or other responsibilities--

--at least I thought.

After the girls make their purchase, I ask them when the aid checks come back and one replies,

"I think they come on the 27th. they need to get here sooner though, this 24-pack ain't gonna last that long."

Way to use our wonderful tax dollars. A booze grant.

So then I thought to myself: While these bastards are waiting for the state to supply them with their "get fucked-up fund," I'm working six days this week, sleeping about four hours a night, stuck in a town with no friends, and sacrficing quality family time for 3 bitch-ass overpriced books!

but I wasn't bitter about it....

I laugh, nod my head and continue on to the next person in line--a crackhead with six Snickers.

Hellacollege.

What's the worst way you've spent your Financial aid money? Or for those who have their parents pay, whats the dumbest thing you've used your parents money on?

Spring Break- Amended

So its Monday morning and I've been in the library for an hour... before even having my first class yet. That means the glorious span of time that is spring break is over, and the even more glorious time that is spring term has begun. Its not quite sunny, but its not raining, so I'm rocking my number 99 dodgers shirt.

Reflecting on Spring Break, I know my crew of cohorts made more of the 7 glorious days than any year previous. We conquered beaches like the allied troops at Normandy, we drunkenly overused catch phrases, we all gained at least 7 pounds, and best of all, we saw everything at Disneyland twice.

We drove over 40 hours. We got pink eye, scraped knees, hangovers, and Joey struck out. We drank over a gallon of PoPov and Dirty Bird, tore through cases of keystone light, and even managed to get some faderade into Disneyland. As luck would have it, turnaround passes helped us cut hours of lines at disneyland, and one kid even got a haircut in a salon that had 20 women in their underwear. Epic for sure. One for the books. See you next year spring break...




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So its the beginning of spring break for us at hellacollege. Spring Break is a very important time for college students. No matter what, you MUST mix 4 of 5 elements to have a successful spring break. If you get them all you achieve spring break nirvana

1. A drive that is way too long

2. You must contract a disease

3. Cheap booze > Expensive booze

4. Getting in somewhere you definitely don't belong

5. Disneyland &/or a foreign country. Disneyland is preferred

So its officially day 2 of spring break for us. We have the first 3 down and we're chasing legendary spring break status. Here's a little video shout out of half of the hellacollege crew. Hit us on twitter for updates on our SB.

VIDEO REMOVED

P.S. What are yall doin for break?

My Hella College Survival List

Today, after my 3rd pack of Top Ramen, I've realized that there are several things that make life that much more livable...no not something as simple (and whimpy) as friends, love and family, but rather, a list of activities, inventions, and products that make life oh so sweet. this is my hella college survival list.

1)The lovely folks at WALMART greet me with a 65-year-old worker with no health insurance, exploit hundreds of thousands of foreign workers, undercut millions of small buisnesses, and provide me with ketchup one dollar cheaper than the national average!! yay wal-mart!!!

2)In the event that mixing all that damn butter and milk and powder into boiling noodles becomes too tedious a task for your lazy ass, EASY MAC offers to cut this 7 minute process down one minute! thats right! you can now stop slaving over that steaming pot of noodles and pay more money for one testicle sized cup of convienence!

3)After you realize that your 5 foot 3 167 lb frame isn't quite fit for D-1 athletics, life may feel meaningless. But wait! you can still live out the days of being the best kid on your block in 3rd grade with INTRUMURAL SPORTS! Who knows, maybe the football coaches will be scouting at your championship game...I've heard the team really needs a solid waterboy for next season.

4)On the topic of athletics and fitness, who doesn't owe losing their freshman 15 to a semi-fasting diet and the REACREATION CENTER?

5)Tired of doing homework non-stop? want something to distract you from that 2 page take home final due in 20 minutes? Do you like stalking on moderately attractive women that you have no chance of hooking up with--without any legal action? Then look no further than FACEBOOK!

6)Ahh the MICROWAVE: making me sacrifice good quality meals for unevenly heated grubble.

7)When you really need a good pair of gloves or headphones, but dont want to pay for them, hit the LOST and FOUND and say you lost some...one man's misplacement is another man's theft.

8)When all those 17 year old girls you're persuading to come to your college to be your weekend flings start calling too much about all their boy problems, drama, and hobbies, what's more usefull than the OFF BUTTON ON YOUR PHONE? "sorry Stacy...my phone died last night..."

9)Nothing brings you back to those good old days better than A BOWL OF FRUIT LOOPS AND CARTOONS ON SATURDAY MORNING. Dont forget the one piece pajamas.

10)And lastly, MUSIC...but not just any music, but the kind that makes women pregnant without intercourse. I'm talking the isley brothers, , Marvin Gaye, Al Green, Earth Wind and Fire, R.kelly (before the piss incident), Musiq Soulchild...and even some Coldplay

So tell me you hella college bastards, what's on your survival list?

Test-lag

So I've been thinking a lot lately about what a lot of us college students experience right around midterms and finals. Jet-setters get jet-lag. Test-takes get test-lag. Check it:

I had a pretty epic accounting assignment to tackle that was due yesterday at 2PM. So, in hellacollege fashion, I got the the library around 11PM, got wired on caffiene, and busted out the assignment until about 5 o'clock. I left the library, got a quick bite, and turned the assignment into my professor's office, and went to bed. I woke up about 4PM. I went to my 6-9 PM class, grabbed a bite with some of my classmates, fumbled around a little bit, and got into bed around 11:30 PM. Alarm goes off at 2:30 AM and I'm at the library by 3. Here it is 4AM, I've been studying for an hour, and I have 6 hours till my Marketing final.

Now I looked on wikipedia, which as far as I'm concerned is the authority on everything (they monitor that ish, I trust 'em) and they describe jet lag as follows...

"When traveling across a number of time zones, the body clock will be out of sync with the destination time, as it experiences daylight and darkness contrary to the rhythms to which it has grown accustomed: the body's natural pattern is upset, as the rhythms that dictate times for eating, sleeping, hormone regulation and body temperature variations no longer correspond to the environment..."

Well test lag as I've discovered is when the body clock is out of sync with the college student's normal environment. We wake when its dark, and sleep when its light. I feel like a flippin' vampire. I'm eating breakfast at 2AM and dinner at 11PM. I'm just excited for 6PM today when I can pass out until it's time to go celebrate a week well-fought. Maybe I'll have ice cream or something. Probably or something (Pabst).

Anyway, when describing how screwed up you cramming and sleeping schedules are, describe what time zone your in. For example, "bro, I'm test-lagging Hong Kong right now", or "Man that Rockstar-Latte coctail got me all the way to Kiev with my cram sesh lash night". Make sense?

Hope finals are going well for are you quarter-system friends and exams are going well around spring break for everyone else. Let me know what time zone you're test lagging

Hella Test-Lag

Hellacollege

The Lion King

It was yet another typical, triflin ass, on the couch friday. We had assembled our "hella college crew" (the group of men most likely to be, or to call out, a hella college moment) and one drunk ass freshman chick (what's a group of men without one?).

We then began chatting about adolesent nothings and insulting one another until one guy brought up the fact that the lion king musical is coming to town:

Frat dick number one: bro, did you hear about the Lion King coming to Portland this summer?

Frat dick number two: WHAT?!!! Bro no way! We're going!!

Frat dick number one: YEAH MOTHAFUCKA!!(stands up and gives #2 a high five)

Frat dick number two: We're gonna get so high! Just fucked up watching Lion King!!

Frat dick number one: HELL YEAH!!! MY HOMEBOY CAN HOOK US UP!!!

Frat dicks 3+4:(sycronized laughter)

I laughed on the outside, but I was hurt internally--the integrity of lion king, and its sociological value, were shattered by the juvinile mentalities of these individuals.

How can we decifer the themes of jealousy, optimism and friendship in Lion King--high as a prepubesent nutsack? How can you appreciate the delicate and intricate love story between Simba and Nala suffering from a canibus attack? You can't even feel the pain of mufasa's death--the most tragic death in disney history! They're such bastards! You can't go to Lion King under the influence!

Freaking idiots.

I hope their weed is laced with laxatives and crushed up sleeping pills so they can pass out and shit themselves at the show.

They'd say it was a crappy perfomance.

Hacunamutata. Hella College.

Hellacollege Hustlin'

First let me get this off my chest:

Dear college student friends,

Please get your dirty filthy Dave Matthews Band and Deftones CDs out of my toyota
Please return my Boys Noize CD with the dirty filthy synths

Okay good we can move on:

So yesterday I had to run a few errands. I went to the bank to deposit some cashmoney, swung by McDonalds (Thursdays are 2 Quarter Pounders meal for 4.99), then went to put some petrol in my vehicle. I pull up to the pump and sit frustrated as the gas attendant chats with someone in another car.

Why can't I fill up my own freaking tank?

Anyway the attendant finally comes over and gets my "20 on regular" cash. The following dialogue that ensued was a hellacollege moment.

The gasman notices a few bumper stickers on my car and says: "So uh, you go to the college?"

Yeah man I do

"So uh, do you uh, some weed?"

Haha nah man I stick to boozin

"Damn I got a few dubsacks to get rid of. I get college students in here all the time looking for some trees"

So wait... you mean I can roll in and throw 40 on unleaded, 20 on Purple Haze, and a dime on some snickelfritz? What kind of oregano are you pushin' man? Taking advantage of poor impulsive college students? Shame on you. Don't you know weed is a gateway drug? Its on wikipedia man... it has to be true. Some unsuspecting FHS major rolls in to fill up her Jetta and all of a sudden you have her hooked on the white horse? And yes, I would like my receipt.

Hella Triflin' college town gas attendant

Hellacollege Means Being Thrifty

Living Hellacollege often means living thrifty. Whether donating plasma for cash (Ladies I think you can get like $3,000 for an egg), sending letters to senator's for free spaghetti, or waiting till 10 PM to make phone calls, you have to do what you can to make every penny count. Good news, all of you can take a lesson from a buddy I saw today. Take notes:

So getting near the end of the term and I've been pretty much living on campus. I went home for lunch today, then made the trek back to Uncle Phil's home of learning, the Kinght Library. As I'm getting near the huge doors, I see a buddy:

Whats up man? Where you off to?

"Well I was walking back from class and I had to take a deuce. I figured we wouldn't have any TP at my house so I'm making a library stop"

Good job man. Way to stay thrifty.

HELLACOLLEGE

PS You can also shower at the rec to cut down on water bills.